ring ring...

- Hello?

- What's up, player?

- Who is this?

- Today!

- You don't have a phone.

- Financial aid came in.

- Oh, God.

- Yea, this is really top of the line.  It's supposed to be the best—the guy told me.

- What guy?

- The guy who sold it to me...my classmate.

- Your classmate?

- Yea, he's a real upstart.  He said he's got a girlfriend and everything.  He gave me a real good deal, too.  Listen, I made a voice-mail that's very professional and shit.

- For your hookah reservations?

- They press 1 for Business, or press 2 for Social—but it all goes to the same voice mail!  

- You're a real jewel.

- I know, it's real classy.  Those assclowns won't know the difference.  I'm telling you, things are really coming up Today.

- I guess I'm happy you're coming up.

- You don't sound so happy... Hey, you don't sound like yourself.  What's up, playa?

- Stop calling me that.

- Sorry, I'm trying to fit in here.  So, what is it?

- I don't know, I don't feel good.

- What's wrong?

- Just some thoughts.

- What is it?

- Lovers wrapped up in cellophane.

- You're out of cigarettes? Call Marlboro.

- I'm not out of cigarettes.

- Yea, you'll never run out of cigarettes.  

- (sighs) You're funny.

- Just trying to distract you.  Hey, when the wind comes, I just let it go.

- You learn that in class?

- What can I do to cheer you up?  I got money now.

- It's not about cheering me up.  But, I got an idea of something we can do.

- Ok, I'll be here.  Come by.

- Okay, what we're going to—

- Hey, call me back real quick. (click)

- What?

 (ring ring...)

- Hi, you have reached Today!  I am unable to answer your call right now, but will return promptly.  For Business, press—

- (click) Fuckin Today...