- Well since I got the afternoon off, I think I'll get in a work out. What do you think?
- I don't care. That sounds fine.
- It'll give you some quiet time.
- Some quietude.
- Hey, do I need protein after I run?
- Yea.
- But I'm only running—not lifting weights.
- You still need some protein.
- But I don't want to get buff.
- You won't get buff, Today.
- But it's extra calories.
- You need the protein. After the workout your body's going to start eating up muscle for energy.
- How come?
- It's more readily available than your fat cells. Even though you have way more of those. (crowd laughter)
- This is very displeasing.
- Yea, don't you hate how the laws of the universe are designed to conspire against you?
- If it wasn't, then everything that is supposed to be good for you would taste like cheeseburgers and horchatas.
- Sugar was the original drug.
(loud banging)
- What's that?
- I don't know, Today!
- Open up!
- Oh no!
- That's some bold talkin'
- Open up, momo-mamo-mamo-mamo fo!
- It's a robbery!
- So you can kick a door in like that—
- Get on the ground. There's two of us!
- Oh no, there's two of them!
- This is so action-packed!
- Get on the ground right now!
- (both) Ok.
- Get your ass up.
- (both) Oh, ok.
- Where's the money?
- Are you sure you got the right house?
- Mothafucka, get up! You, take me to that room!
- Today, watch out. It's Adult Situations.
- Shut your mouth!
- Do you want our TV?
- Shut up, Today.
- Let's go, over there. What's in that room?
- There's nothing in that room, sir.
- Sir? I like that. You got my money in that room?
- Hey, leave him alone!
- You, sit on it, you!
- Oh, the suspense slash thriller!
- There's nothing in that room, sir. That's my prayer and meditation room.
- Yea? cool. You can meditate while I go through your shit. Tie this fool up.
- Let me finish up this little piggie.
- No, don't hurt him. He's had too much caffeine.
- Oh shut up, Today.
- He'll have a heart attack. He has minor doomsday trauma.
- What the fuck is doomsday?
- Today, stop babbling.
- Earl, get to looking.
- I'm on it.
- We don't have much, sir. We're doing our best with good intentions—
- You shut up!
- (Earl) Good intentions, huh..
- You see anything?
- (Earl) I'm looking...Nothing but healthy lyrics.
- Oh, what the fuck, Earl. Don't tell me you scoped out a couple real losers.
- (Today) Hey! We do the best we can with—
- What's this? What is this shit?
- That's a list of his character defects, sir. He can't handle someone not liking him.
- Shut up, Today.
- (Earl) Character defects, huh? Tough break, kid. You spend your whole life gettin' high, and the rest of it, tryin' not to—
- While she's out networking, sir.
- Shut up, Today.
- (Earl) We gotta get outta here. They know my name.
- (Today) Maybe we should leave. You guys know mine.
- Today, shut up! (crowd laughter)
- (Earl) Let's bail. Can't be Fifth Stepin' some egomaniac.
- We ain't leaving without gettin nothin...
- (Earl) I see nothing here but resentments and bad dialogue.
- Hey, you're out of your depth, suga.
- Shut that resentment stew up!
- (Today, whispers smug) See?
- What's that over there?
- (Today) That's nothing, sir.
- It don't look like nothin' to me. Looks like that key to some Adult Content, that's what it look like to me, some Ecuadorian Green—yo, grab that powder!
