- Ready? I'm starving. That's all I was thinking about watching those people eat. Really got out of my head, eh? Let me tell you something, Today, I remember some of the things I said yesterday. No fuckin' way I'm going to--
- Camera's on.
- I'd deserve whatever I--Oh, hello. Welcome to Shirtless Cooking Hour in Pleasant Valley with Today and a sorry person.
- Real sorry.
- Tonight, we're going to make a Decedent French Toast with Apricot Jam and talk about the dangers of decadence and running your mouth.
- Yea, fear of accountability is a great incentive to curb reckless behavior.
- That's right, Today. Let's get to the eggs. My partner has beat a few eggs in a bowl.
- I put sour cream in them, too.
- What?
- Just a little.
- That wasn't in the script. How's about I pull your chest hair.
- I got a few. Do you need more?
- What, hair or sour cream?
- (Poncho) You suck, McBain!
- (continuing) Shut up, Poncho.
- The sour cream makes the eggs fluffy. I saw Ralphie make it that way...
- Are you sure it wasn't with milk?
- Before Tony killed him.
- Good, he cooked that horse alive.
- Ralphie was great though. But now that you mention it, it could of been milk.
- Well, it's too late now. We're going to find out how french toast tastes with sour cream.
- Don't worry, now at least your stomach won't hurt from the milk.
- What do you think sour cream is made of? It's dairy.
- Oh, right. Why do they call it french toast? That's racist.
- Well, I guess since it's not capitalized, it's not racist anymore.
- I guess you're right.
- Great minds think alike.
- And why do people say, Excuse my French? Why don't they say Excuse my English?
- (Poncho) Playboy right there's got a lot of excuses. He'll even try to exploit dogs and relationships for leverage. Fool, do you know the meaning of giving someone a present?
- Ignore him. He's a one-liner machine.
- Okay, the stove's on.
- Oh, better pour the oil. Can't leave a pan on with nothin' in it. It'll pop again.
- Remember that time we were drunk and you forgot to turn the stove off?
- I sure do Today, the house smelled like there was a horse on fire all week. Okay, get the bread,
- How long should I dip it in for?
- Long enough for them to spot an egotistical manipulative maniac underneath. Yes, we make jokes in here ladies and gentlemen.
- (Poncho) Nah, can't happening. He got his cake and ate it too.
- I hope you're watching Lala!
- I'm glad I went today. Nobody knew me there--
- (Poncho) Cause you're so famous, right?
- (continuing) And the shame subsided trying to spot the freeloaders. Do you think that's too much oil?
- Maybe it would taste better with butter.
- Oh, we're going to use a lot of butter. It's a Decedent French Toast. I'm just kidding about the freeloaders. It was the only thing I could think of doing afterwards...like I was taught. Only way to forget the embarrassment. I'm going to pour some of the oil out.
- (Poncho) You could have just shut your big ol' mouthifer.
- Be careful some of it might stick.
- Trial and error my friend. We'll salvage what we can.
- With butter!
- What do you mean?
- If the egg and bread stick to the pan, you lift the bread up...
- And you lather it underneath?
- Uh-huh.
- And can you lift your arm pits out of my face please? Okay, this is good.
- How long should we leave the bread before turning it over?
- I like it a little raw and gooey, myself.
- Yea, I don't like eggs over done.
- Do you think I'm being racist with my characters again, Today? I don't know if I am, I mean. I may be in over my head with the language. I mean, how they gonna give me my noble prize if I'm racist and can't tell?
- Why don't you make it so he's white, and if people think he's being racist then they're being racist?
- Wait, what? Whatever. But I mean, it kind of parallels what's happened to my vocabulary and spelling in my own mental cage.
- (Poncho) You boring!
- (continuing) Wait, what if I'm so stupid...that everything that I say that I think is in it...
- (Poncho) That's a good one.
- (continuing) ...is so far from it...that it gets a novelty reaction? And then I'll get like a prize for narcissism and then! Get this, Today, and then they'll show all my drunken posts!
- (Poncho) I'm getting a gosh darn headache. Mothafucker's gonna make me break character.
- (continuing) And the ones that I think are good, right? They'll laugh at those too!
- What about Poncho?
- Who?
- (Poncho) Weak!
- (continuing) Poncho's just Poncho.
- Do you remember when Rocky drinks the raw egg shake before running?
- Oh I'm not going to stop running.
- I wasn't talking about you.
- (laughs) Yea, what about it?
- Nothing.
- Sorry.
- I always wondered how it tastes, is all.
- You mad about yesterday?
- You take me down with you sometimes.
- I know.
- I don't know who I am.
- What do you mean?
- Who am I supposed to be? I don't know how you want me to act sometimes.
- I'm just making it up as I go, Today. I know some drafts are rough.
- (Poncho) You mean you're not the greatest thing since condensed milk?
- You were born out of a sentence. Look at you now going to buffets with your shady friends and mooching off the government.
- I had more of an edge.
- I know, here, Today--ow! Couple chest hairs for you, buddy.
- (Poncho) You need to mow them shoulders is what you need to do.
- Thanks, I'll leave it on the counter for now.
- I can give you enough to build a shelter. Hey you know when raw egg tastes really good?
- As good as water in the morning?
- Nothing beats that. But you beat the egg real good, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Pour in a lot of sugar and mix it, then dip your bread in it.
- Just eat it raw?
- (Poncho) Fool, he said raw eggs, didn't he? This show sucks.
- Don't talk to him like that, Poncho.
- (Poncho) Your ass.
- Yea, Today, it was my favorite thing to eat when I was a kid.
- (Poncho) You getting younger every year.
- (continuing) It's called gogly. Okay, when I put the next bread in, you put more butter on the first one while it's hot in the plate, so the butter soaks in.
- How bout I put the jam on it, too?
- I use to google-moogle her...
- That way when you--
- Then I just googled her.
- You listening?
- (Poncho) He's being golden.
- (continuing) When you put the next one on top--
- (dejected) I know, it'll be messy and we can eat it like hotcakes.
- Uh-huh.
- (chuckling) You know they warned us not to get into any theological debates with the patrons? So, now we got the jam, the Saturday commitment, we're a part of something else on Friday nights; and they do another--Well two days is enough, don't you think?
- Definitely. I'll take you to the buffet with us so you can meet my crew.
- Tuesday evenings, too, in another city. So if you consider my stretch with soft eyes, everything here and in my heart is because of you.
- (Poncho) Announcing your shit, phssh, please. Hand gesture!
- At least I did something clean with my hands, you ingrate. I know I'm still being selfish. I probably always will be.
- But you can at least tell on yourself.
- I know I do it for myself, Today... You know I can still pound that shit? A full bottle's worth and a pitcher. I didn't throw up or nothin'
- That's a good one for your resume.
- (Poncho) You forgot a period, bitch!
- Here, Poncho, take a bite.
- Dry scalp is not a myth, I've seen it.
- Camera's on.
- I'd deserve whatever I--Oh, hello. Welcome to Shirtless Cooking Hour in Pleasant Valley with Today and a sorry person.
- Real sorry.
- Tonight, we're going to make a Decedent French Toast with Apricot Jam and talk about the dangers of decadence and running your mouth.
- Yea, fear of accountability is a great incentive to curb reckless behavior.
- That's right, Today. Let's get to the eggs. My partner has beat a few eggs in a bowl.
- I put sour cream in them, too.
- What?
- Just a little.
- That wasn't in the script. How's about I pull your chest hair.
- I got a few. Do you need more?
- What, hair or sour cream?
- (Poncho) You suck, McBain!
- (continuing) Shut up, Poncho.
- The sour cream makes the eggs fluffy. I saw Ralphie make it that way...
- Are you sure it wasn't with milk?
- Before Tony killed him.
- Good, he cooked that horse alive.
- Ralphie was great though. But now that you mention it, it could of been milk.
- Well, it's too late now. We're going to find out how french toast tastes with sour cream.
- Don't worry, now at least your stomach won't hurt from the milk.
- What do you think sour cream is made of? It's dairy.
- Oh, right. Why do they call it french toast? That's racist.
- Well, I guess since it's not capitalized, it's not racist anymore.
- I guess you're right.
- Great minds think alike.
- And why do people say, Excuse my French? Why don't they say Excuse my English?
- (Poncho) Playboy right there's got a lot of excuses. He'll even try to exploit dogs and relationships for leverage. Fool, do you know the meaning of giving someone a present?
- Ignore him. He's a one-liner machine.
- Okay, the stove's on.
- Oh, better pour the oil. Can't leave a pan on with nothin' in it. It'll pop again.
- Remember that time we were drunk and you forgot to turn the stove off?
- I sure do Today, the house smelled like there was a horse on fire all week. Okay, get the bread,
- How long should I dip it in for?
- Long enough for them to spot an egotistical manipulative maniac underneath. Yes, we make jokes in here ladies and gentlemen.
- (Poncho) Nah, can't happening. He got his cake and ate it too.
- I hope you're watching Lala!
- I'm glad I went today. Nobody knew me there--
- (Poncho) Cause you're so famous, right?
- (continuing) And the shame subsided trying to spot the freeloaders. Do you think that's too much oil?
- Maybe it would taste better with butter.
- Oh, we're going to use a lot of butter. It's a Decedent French Toast. I'm just kidding about the freeloaders. It was the only thing I could think of doing afterwards...like I was taught. Only way to forget the embarrassment. I'm going to pour some of the oil out.
- (Poncho) You could have just shut your big ol' mouthifer.
- Be careful some of it might stick.
- Trial and error my friend. We'll salvage what we can.
- With butter!
- What do you mean?
- If the egg and bread stick to the pan, you lift the bread up...
- And you lather it underneath?
- Uh-huh.
- And can you lift your arm pits out of my face please? Okay, this is good.
- How long should we leave the bread before turning it over?
- I like it a little raw and gooey, myself.
- Yea, I don't like eggs over done.
- Do you think I'm being racist with my characters again, Today? I don't know if I am, I mean. I may be in over my head with the language. I mean, how they gonna give me my noble prize if I'm racist and can't tell?
- Why don't you make it so he's white, and if people think he's being racist then they're being racist?
- Wait, what? Whatever. But I mean, it kind of parallels what's happened to my vocabulary and spelling in my own mental cage.
- (Poncho) You boring!
- (continuing) Wait, what if I'm so stupid...that everything that I say that I think is in it...
- (Poncho) That's a good one.
- (continuing) ...is so far from it...that it gets a novelty reaction? And then I'll get like a prize for narcissism and then! Get this, Today, and then they'll show all my drunken posts!
- (Poncho) I'm getting a gosh darn headache. Mothafucker's gonna make me break character.
- (continuing) And the ones that I think are good, right? They'll laugh at those too!
- What about Poncho?
- Who?
- (Poncho) Weak!
- (continuing) Poncho's just Poncho.
- Do you remember when Rocky drinks the raw egg shake before running?
- Oh I'm not going to stop running.
- I wasn't talking about you.
- (laughs) Yea, what about it?
- Nothing.
- Sorry.
- I always wondered how it tastes, is all.
- You mad about yesterday?
- You take me down with you sometimes.
- I know.
- I don't know who I am.
- What do you mean?
- Who am I supposed to be? I don't know how you want me to act sometimes.
- I'm just making it up as I go, Today. I know some drafts are rough.
- (Poncho) You mean you're not the greatest thing since condensed milk?
- You were born out of a sentence. Look at you now going to buffets with your shady friends and mooching off the government.
- I had more of an edge.
- I know, here, Today--ow! Couple chest hairs for you, buddy.
- (Poncho) You need to mow them shoulders is what you need to do.
- Thanks, I'll leave it on the counter for now.
- I can give you enough to build a shelter. Hey you know when raw egg tastes really good?
- As good as water in the morning?
- Nothing beats that. But you beat the egg real good, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Pour in a lot of sugar and mix it, then dip your bread in it.
- Just eat it raw?
- (Poncho) Fool, he said raw eggs, didn't he? This show sucks.
- Don't talk to him like that, Poncho.
- (Poncho) Your ass.
- Yea, Today, it was my favorite thing to eat when I was a kid.
- (Poncho) You getting younger every year.
- (continuing) It's called gogly. Okay, when I put the next bread in, you put more butter on the first one while it's hot in the plate, so the butter soaks in.
- How bout I put the jam on it, too?
- I use to google-moogle her...
- That way when you--
- Then I just googled her.
- You listening?
- (Poncho) He's being golden.
- (continuing) When you put the next one on top--
- (dejected) I know, it'll be messy and we can eat it like hotcakes.
- Uh-huh.
- (chuckling) You know they warned us not to get into any theological debates with the patrons? So, now we got the jam, the Saturday commitment, we're a part of something else on Friday nights; and they do another--Well two days is enough, don't you think?
- Definitely. I'll take you to the buffet with us so you can meet my crew.
- Tuesday evenings, too, in another city. So if you consider my stretch with soft eyes, everything here and in my heart is because of you.
- (Poncho) Announcing your shit, phssh, please. Hand gesture!
- At least I did something clean with my hands, you ingrate. I know I'm still being selfish. I probably always will be.
- But you can at least tell on yourself.
- I know I do it for myself, Today... You know I can still pound that shit? A full bottle's worth and a pitcher. I didn't throw up or nothin'
- That's a good one for your resume.
- (Poncho) You forgot a period, bitch!
- Here, Poncho, take a bite.
- Dry scalp is not a myth, I've seen it.
No comments:
Post a Comment