- Let's check the news.

- I don't know if I want to be in the same room with you while the news is on.  They might tell you to cover up at least.

- Shut up, Today.

- Catchphrase!

- (TV) Hey, where'd you put the Reeses, can I have some pieces?  

- Turn it down, the music's annoying.

- The song's catchy.

- No, it's not.

- Give it a minute...

- What?  Oh...I see.  

- Yea.

- Now it's catchy.  Someone in marketing just got a promotion.

- (aside) How come you get to say all the clever lines?

- (aside) Stop bickering, Today.

- (aside) I want to say that line.

- (aside) Forget it.

- (aside) That was my line and you know it.  That was the natural progression, go back and re—

- (aside) Oh shut up!

- (aside) It was!

- (aside) It sounded better coming from me, you understand.

- (aside) Nonsense!

- (aside) Nonsense?  Why all this now?  Look, Today, we really don't have time for this—I mean, way to pick a time, really.  But you've said some good things too, you're not just catchphrases.

- (aside) What's wrong with Pygmalion starting a decent life?

- (aside) Ata boy.

- Okay, it's on, close your eyes.

- Shut up.

- You can open them—it's not the weather.

- Well, who's the anchor?

- Wait a minute...

- What...

- I can't believe it...

- What is it?

- ...

- Today?

- Shush.

- What is it?

- That's my teacher!

- Who is?

- The guy on the news!

are you going to press me more?

OM- McNally                      

£- The Edge

+ - Today

¥ - Voice

OM - I'm Officer McNally.  This is my partner, The Edge.

£- What up.

OM- We understand you boys had a break-in?

+- That's right, Sir, we were robbed—

OM- Sir, I like that.

¥- It was no break in!

£- It was...no break-in?

¥- Which word are you emphasizing?

£- You mean the emphasis on scorn?

¥- Precisely.

+- They robbed us.  Tied us up and bound us—

OM- Yea? Which room was it in exactly?

+- You want the details?

OM- I need all the details.

+- Oh no...

£- Why don't you boys have a seat.

+ - Okay.

OM- You mind take me to the room.

£- What they take?

+- We don't have much, Sir.

£- They take the TV?

¥- No.

£- Good.

OM- Here? Was it in here?

+- Right here, Sir.

OM- What's this?  What's all this?

¥- That's nothing.

+- That's his 4th Step, Sir.

¥- Shut up, Today.

+- You want to take it in for evidence?  

£- Why, there something in it relevant to the case?

¥- What do you mean?

+- Don't worry, the fear inventory and secrets are discrete, officer.

¥- Shut up, Today—

+- Really it all falls under the same broad spectrum pertaining to the struggle cultivating —

¥- Will you shut up Today!

OM- What we mean is, is there something in there that may help us find the guys who did this?

£- Any reason they may have targeted you?

¥- What do you mean?

OM- Just that.

¥- I can say whatever you want me to say...

OM- What do you mean?

¥- Is there something you want me to say...

OM- Excuse me?

¥- Or not say...?

OM- I'm not sure what you're trying to say.

¥- Are you?

£- What you're getting at.

¥- Who me?

OM- How about you start by telling us what they looked like?

¥- That arranged can be.

£- I think he's been watching too much Simpsons.

+- Wow a reference followed by a reference to a reference from a delusion.

OM- Look, we want to see everything you see—what did he look like?

¥- Okay, he looked like this.

OM- Wow, you're a good drawer.  

£- Way better than your sister.

OM- Yea way better.

+- He's a mansion.

£- You're, like, all good at drawing in this world.

OM- Van-who?

£- Van Ho. 

OM- You should cut off your hands. 

£- That'll give you all kinds of street cred.

OM- Wait, we pulled someone over matching this description—

£- This freakin' portrait man—you're our Junior Soprano—

¥- You did?  You pulled him over?

£- We should put you on a hold then say it was all from your head—

OM- Pulled him over just this morning.

+- Oh great, Sir.

OM- Yep...we let him go.

¥- You what?

OM- We let him go.

¥- What! Why?  

OM- He was in a hurry.

£- He had to go.

+- He's the one—

£- The man had to go.

+- Had to go had to go?

¥- That's not good enough—bullshit, I've tried that.

£- Then you tried the wrong end.

¥- What do you mean?

OM- He had a gallon of water in his lap.

£- A jug, it was.

¥- You mean—

OM- We thought he was drinking kamboucha—

£- Or coconut oil—people setting off their ankle bracelets all over the city, causing all kinds of ruckus.

+- Why do they call you the fuzz, Sir?

OM- Cause of all the hot fuss, I imagine.

£- My hair is fuzzy.

¥- So you mean?

OM- Yep...

£- Had to beat the bloat.

OM- Once he explained it—he was on the message boards with all the other insecure girls, picked up some terms like he was hustling the streets selling dried plaster.  You got to ween off that stuff, manipulate the body—

£- He's a genius.

OM- And the heart.

¥ - (beaten) My portrait to no avail.

OM- He's doomed anyway, he said—just like middle school again.  Felt sorry for him. 

+- Maybe he got worked up thinking ahead and deciding his fate on his own again.  

¥- People like me paint them and people like her will never care about our vigilance toward snoopers, Today.

£ - Look, we just need you boys to understand, once solidified as real, it's important it be kept as such....or not

- Come back to me Today.  

- (whimper) Hmm...

- Why are you smiling?

- (murmuring) I can't pet you kitty.

- Stop touching my hand.

- Is that a hot dog?

- Let go of my hand.

- (waking) Hmm?

- Are you okay?

- What?

- Are you okay, Today?

- (dazed) Yea...

- Come on, let me help you up.

- Where's the cat?

- There's no cat, Today.

- I had a dream...a little kitty was crawling on me while I was lying down.

- Those were my hands.

- You were caressing me?

- I was untying you.  I can't believe you fell asleep.

- I was afraid to pet the kitty...you know, because I'm allergic to cats.  

- Stop explaining your dream to me—we need to call the cops.

- Are they still here?

- Yea, they're in the other room taking turns charging their phones.  Get up!

- How did you get loose?

- I used my whole fuckin fist until it felt like warm V and I thought that's what he felt.

- What?

- Just call the cops.

- You make me feel so X-rated sometimes.

- Call the cops, Today.

- You and your—your damned hands—Hello,  yes, Hello, hi—

- You already said it—

- This is Today...

- You know, Today—

- Shh...

- Do you realize, if you analyze your dream... 

- I'm on the phone!

- You wouldn't pet a kitty...

- (aside) Yes, we've been robbed...

- But you woke up asking for a hot dog...

- So? (aside) ...robbed, in our own house under our nose by two spirtually sick people.

- You know what that makes you?!

- I didn't ask for one, I thought it was there—Quiet! (aside) What did they take? Umm...our protein?

- Well since I got the afternoon off,  I think I'll get in a work out.  What do you think?

- I don't care.  That sounds fine.

- It'll give you some quiet time.

- Some quietude.

- Hey, do I need protein after I run?

- Yea.  

- But I'm only running—not lifting weights.

- You still need some protein.

- But I don't want to get buff.

- You won't get buff, Today.

- But it's extra calories.

- You need the protein.  After the workout your body's going to start eating up muscle for energy.

- How come?

- It's more readily available than your fat cells.  Even though you have way more of those. (crowd laughter)

- This is very displeasing.

- Yea, don't you hate how the laws of the universe are designed to conspire against you?

- If it wasn't, then everything that is supposed to be good for you would taste like cheeseburgers and horchatas.

- Sugar was the original drug.

(loud banging)

- What's that?

- I don't know, Today!

- Open up!

- Oh no!

- That's some bold talkin'

- Open up, momo-mamo-mamo-mamo fo! 

- It's a robbery!

- So you can kick a door in like that—

- Get on the ground.  There's two of us!

- Oh no, there's two of them!

- This is so action-packed!

- Get on the ground right now!

- (both) Ok.

- Get your ass up.

- (both) Oh, ok.

- Where's the money?

- Are you sure you got the right house?

- Mothafucka, get up!  You, take me to that room!

- Today, watch out.  It's Adult Situations.

- Shut your mouth!

- Do you want our TV?

- Shut up, Today.

- Let's go, over there. What's in that room?

- There's nothing in that room, sir.

- Sir? I like that.  You got my money in that room?

- Hey, leave him alone!

- You, sit on it, you!

- Oh, the suspense slash thriller!

- There's nothing in that room, sir.  That's my prayer and meditation room.

- Yea? cool.  You can meditate while I go through your shit.   Tie this fool up.

- Let me finish up this little piggie.

- No, don't hurt him.  He's had too much caffeine.

- Oh shut up, Today.

- He'll have a heart attack.  He has minor doomsday trauma.

- What the fuck is doomsday?

- Today, stop babbling.

- Earl, get to looking.

- I'm on it.

- We don't have much, sir.  We're doing our best with good intentions—

- You shut up!

- (Earl) Good intentions, huh..

- You see anything?

- (Earl) I'm looking...Nothing but healthy lyrics.

- Oh, what the fuck, Earl.  Don't tell me you scoped out a couple real losers.

- (Today) Hey!  We do the best we can with—

- What's this?  What is this shit? 

- That's a list of his character defects, sir.  He can't handle someone not liking him.

- Shut up, Today.

- (Earl) Character defects, huh?  Tough break, kid.  You spend your whole life gettin' high, and the rest of it, tryin' not to—

- While she's out networking, sir.

- Shut up, Today.

- (Earl) We gotta get outta here.  They know my name.

- (Today) Maybe we should leave.  You guys know mine.

- Today, shut up! (crowd laughter)

- (Earl) Let's bail.  Can't be Fifth Stepin' some egomaniac.

- We ain't leaving without gettin nothin...

- (Earl) I see nothing here but resentments and bad dialogue.

- Hey, you're out of your depth, suga.

- Shut that resentment stew up!

- (Today, whispers smug) See?

- What's that over there?

- (Today) That's nothing, sir.

- It don't look like nothin' to me.  Looks like that key to some Adult Content, that's what it look like to me, some Ecuadorian Green—yo, grab that powder!

- Well since I got the afternoon off,  I think I'll get in a work out.  What do you think?
- I don't care.  That sounds fine.
- It'll give you some quiet time.
- Some quietude.
- Hey, do I need protein after I run?
- Yea.
- But I'm only running—not lifting weights.
- You still need some protein.
- But I don't want to get buff.
- You won't get buff, Today.
- But it's extra calories.
- You need the protein.  After the workout your body's going to start eating up muscle for energy.
- How come?
- It's more readily available than your fat cells.  Even though you have way more of those. (crowd laughter)
- This is very displeasing.
- Yea, don't you hate how the laws of the universe are designed to conspire against you?
- If it wasn't,  then everything that is supposed to be good for you would taste like cheeseburgers and horchatas.
- Sugar was the original drug.
(loud banging)
- What's that?
- I don't know, Today!
- Open up!
- What!
- Oh no!
- Open up, momo-mamo-mamo-mamo fo!
- It's a robbery!
- So you can kick a door open like—
- Get on the ground.  There's two of us!
- Oh no, there's two of them!
- This is so action-packed!
- Get on the ground right now!
- (both) Ok.
- Get your ass up.
- (both) Oh, ok.
- Where's the money?
- Are you sure you got the right house?
- Mothafucka, get up!  You, take me to that room!
- Today, watch out.  It's Adult Situations.
- Shut your mouth!
- You want our TV?
- Shut up, Today!
- Let's go, over there.  What's in that room?
- There's nothing in that room, sir.
- Sir? I like that.  You got my money in that room?
- Hey, leave him alone!
- You, sit on it, you!
- Oh, the suspense slash thriller!
- There's nothing in that room, sir.  That's my prayer and meditation room.
- Yea? cool.  You can meditate while I go through your shit.   Tie this fool up.
- Let me finish up this little piggie.
- No, don't hurt him.  He's had too much caffeine.
- Oh shut up, Today.
- He'll have a heart attack.  He has minor doomsday trauma.
- What the fuck is doomsday?
- Today, stop babbling.
- Earl, get to looking.
- I'm on it.
- We don't have much, sir.  We're doing our best with good intentions—
- You shut up!
- (Earl) Good intentions, huh..
- You see anything?
- (Earl)  I'm looking...Nothing but healthy lyrics.
- Oh, what the fuck, Earl.  Don't tell me you scoped out a couple real losers.
- (Today) Hey!  We do the best we can with—
- What's this?  What is this shit?
- That's a list of his character defects, sir.
- Shut up, Today.
- (Earl) Character defects, huh?  Tough break, kid.  You spend your whole life gettin' high, and the rest of it, tryin' not to.
- While she's out networking, sir.
- Shut up, Today.
- (Earl) We gotta get outta here.  They know my name.
- (Today) Maybe we should leave.  You guys know mine.
- Shut up, Today! (crowd laughter)
- (Earl) Let's bail.
- We ain't leaving without gettin nothin...
- (Earl) I see nothing here but resentments and bad dialogue.
- Hey, you're out of your league, suga.
- Shut that resentment stew up!
- (Today, whispers) See?
- What's that over there?
- (Today) That's nothing, sir.
- It don't look like nothin' to me.  Looks like the key to some Adult Content, that's what it looks like, some Ecuadorian Green—yo, grab that powder!

- Hey!

- Ahhh!  Goddammit, Today—you scared me!

- Opps, I didn't mean to.

- Don't sneak up on me like that!

- You didn't hear me come in?

- Apparently not!  (crowd laughter) Jeez, Today...and what are you doing back so early?  It's only been a couple hours.  Were you just hiding in the bushes to stalk me?

- Teacher wasn't there.

- What do mean?

- They can't find him—he's missing.

- He's missing or he just didn't show up?

- Missing—

- Cause some teachers are so good they don't have to show up.

- What?  No, they don't know where he is.

- That's his brilliance.

- What do you mean?  No one knows where he is.  The Principal said she can't get a hold of him.

- You have a Principal?

- Well, the Dean—

- You don't have a Dean.  Hamlet at a university?  Yea, right.

- Well, the head honcho came in—he's AWOL.  Kapoot!

- Kapoot means he blew up.  You're teacher can't blow up, Today—no teacher can.

- No it doesn't—it doesn't mean, blew up.

- Yes it does, Today.

- That's kablooey.  Like Louie went kablooey? (crowd laughter)

- No, it's not.

- But it is.

- You're an is.  You're a goblin market.

- You got started on your resentment list?

- And you're going straight in it.

- Item One: Skimped me on the jalapeños. 

- That's my hit list.

- You have a hit list?

- That's right, Today, it's a list I use to hit people with—the G to the O to the B to the—

- You're all caffeinated up.

- I'm going to hit 'em with a book.

- A jittery bug, you are. 

- The G to the E to the, umm, te-tete te...

- Why don't you take a breather, calm your mind.

- I did, I just had three cigarettes. (crowd laughter)

- No, I meant why don't you try to meditate—

- What—

- To relax your mind, or say a prayer—

- That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. 

- You're going to be reliving memories, maybe ugly things.

- Why don't you take a bite of a tree and spit out peppermint bark...because you're so sweet!

- You're crazy!

- (barking) Ruff! ruff! ruff, ruff, ruff! ruff! (crowd laughter). I ate too much cake.

 

 

- Can I leave the apple on the counter?  I'm going to be late for the bus.  It's all cut up and ready.

- Why you no wanna take the carriage?

- I don't want Hannah dirtying up the street.  

- Okay.

- Yea, I saw the price of your last ticket.  That's no good—

- It's a shit ticket, that's what it is.  

- But I wouldn't dirty the street, anyhow.

- Well, I told that guy I was running into the store to get a bag for her.  But the bastard said he was already writing it, which is horseshit.  I might need your lawyering skills—I'm going to appeal it.

- You're fighting it?  On what basis?

- I don't know.  I might request the officer furbish the lab results matching it to Hannah.

- You gotta do that pre-trial.  

- Yea—

- And hope he doesn't turn it in.

- He's going to be up hands and knees in documents when I get done with him—pile a heap of paperwork on him.

- Well, don't get distracted.  Do what's in front of you first—your list.

- What?  Shut up, Today.

- Good luck.  I gotta go catch my bus.

- Hey, isn't your next case past deadline?

- Oh, I already got Hamlet a continuance.  I'm meeting with my client during his smoke break to discuss the details of his citation.

- What he do, headbutt someone?

- It looks like it's a pesky smoking ticket.

- Well, go work out your angle.  Don't forget your assignments.

- See you later, crocodile.

- It's alligator, stupid. 

- Hey, knock-knock.

- Who's there—

- Chickenbutt!

- Why did you bring up the Four Agreements?

- What do you mean?

- What is it?

- Some book, self-help or spiritual or something.  

- Oh, did you get that line from it?

- What line?

- Everything goes back to you.

- Eh, it's original, but that's the gist of it...from what I gather.

- It sounds helpful.

- It's supposed to be.  Oprah liked it.  It hasn't really helped me, but that's because my perception's tainted.

- Then maybe I'll read it if you like it.

- I didn't say I liked it.  

- But you're talking about it.

- Yea, I'm prejudiced towards it...and I haven't really read it.  One time a psychic said a woman had put a curse on me.  I was like, good guess.

- So I shouldn't read it?

- I don't give a shit if you read it.

- Okay.

- Not two fucks: fuck, fuck, goose!  Sure why not, read it.

- Okay—

- Read it read it read it—I don't give a shit, don't read it.

- I guess I'll leave you to your resentment list.  

- Why?  I sound ripe?

- Do you still want the smoothie to help you think?

- Eh, I rather sing with you.

- Don't make fun of me.

- I'll just take my apple in the morning then.

- One apple coming up.

- What are your plans after class?

- What's that?

- What are you gonna do—

- No coffee right?

- No, no more right now.  Too much caffeine with little sleep and I start looking for doomsday signs.

- That's a good idea.  Coffee would be a bad idea.  I shouldn't have asked because it makes you scared.

- It doesn't make me scared—I get anxious, like bad coke.

- Ew.

- Not good breakfast talk?

- Then what's the difference between anxiety and fear?

- Go to school, Today.  And where's my apple?  

- I'm cutting them up.

- You don't have to do that.

- Yes, I do.  I want some too.

- You know what I just remembered, Today?

- What?  Something for your list?

- Well, for my guilt list.  Reading my sister's diary.  

- Oh, recently?

- Yea, Today, yesterday.

- Yesterday?

- When we were young!

- Oh, okay.

- One page was about her weight—she was like a horse there for awhile—and one entry ended with "...and if I eat more than this today then I'm a fat pig who—"

- Oh, jeez.

- And I walked into her room saying, "...then I'm a fat pig who—"

- You read it out loud to her?

- Yea... It's like that poignant moment I relive thinking back.  She probably doesn't remember it, or think about it now, but only now I feel it.

- You feel for her.  Well, of course—it's guilt.

- No, I feel it as her.  I don't know if that makes sense.  

- I think so.

- Then I used to terrify my Chihuahua with the guitar, chase after him strumming, and he'd run and hide, and I'd stop and call him over to pet him, then start strumming and laugh as he'd scramble away.

- Little Oreo?

- My little Oreo.  The scars on my lips are from him.  Cute little mementos.  My sister picked up my lip from the rug.

 

- So what is it—and why the hell does it look like that?  You working on a ransom note?  

- I told you it was an experiment with my right hand.

- You gonna lure your new fans into your gingerbread house?

- Gross, don't joke around like that.  It's a letter to my mom.

- Today, how's she going to read that shit?

- She's not going to read it—she never is.  It's an expression of what I want to scream at her.

- Oh, it's screaming all right.  It's screaming for the neighbor's dog to shut up.  Get it?  The serial killer reference?

- Yea, I get it.  I don't have time for jokes.  My counselor's helping me grow up.

- Oh, I see.  But why with your right hand?  It looks so difficult—

- Yea, one sentence takes a lot of effort and concentration.

- But why?

- It's supposed to be real simple and elementary.

- So you choose the simplest thought because of the strain on your hand?

- Well, once I started writing and saw how hard it was, I started to realize that's the level on which my mom and I communicate.

- (whispers) No, that doesn't sound right.

- (whispers) What did I say?

- (whispers) You're too dumb to speak so properly.

- Hey!

- What do you mean Today?  What level do you communicate...on?

- The way I write is the way I talk to her.  We can't communicate on a deeper level.  

- Oh.  You can't talk about love?

- Gross!

- (chuckles) What?  Is it the language barrier?  

- What do you mean?

- It's hard for you two to express yourselves on the same plain?  

- What's that?

- Like you're on a different level with one language and she's on the opposite with another?

- Maybe.  

- You can't go to her for advice?

- There's more to it.

- Which is?

- Which is none of your business.

- Eh, like I care.  

- Sorry.

- Everything eventually comes back to how you feel about yourself, Today.

- I can understand that.

- Goddamn Four Agreements.  

- What do you mean?

- Latin lovers.

- Huh?

- You wrote a lot though.

- My counselor says sometimes when you write out something nasty you want to say to someone, you don't feel the need to say it to that person.  

- Because it's already out there?

- Yea, you can find some relief.

- Bullshit.

- Well, you and her are terminally unique.  You want to try it out for your ex?

- Not with my other hand.  She's not going to be able to read it.