- Why did you go through my stuff?

- Oh relax, I was just tidying up your things...till I found this bombshell.

- Well, I don't feel comfortable with that.  In fact, I feel violated, very violated.

- I'm the one cleaning up after you—why didn't you wash your dish?

- I forgot, I was tired...cause I look good in it.

- What?

- I don't know—you can't go through my stuff.

- Are you trying to start a boy band?

- Yea, I'm the good-looking one and you can be the one who's always in rehab.

- You really mad, Today?

- I write for myself!  Not for the world to see.

- Lyrics for a boy band?

- Well, that's the direction it took.  You can't force the aesthetic process.

- Yea, right.  

- Like you would know—when's the last time you had a girlfriend?

- You know the manager wants me to stay single, Today.

- And alone.  That's your karma for invading airspace.

- I'm just giving you a hard time, Today.  I was messing with you.

- Well, I was taking a break.  I was just bored and it came to me—

- A vision?  Of what, asparagus?

- Don't be mad that I'm being creative and you're stuck stewing in your resentment soup.    

- Yea, don't remind me—

- Wow, that rhymed.

- What did?

- The line I just hit you with.

- It doesn't rhyme.  

- Yes it does.  

- No it doesn't—it's all flat.

- Stuck stewing in resentment soup.  Even has an s in the middle.  Nice little bow on the—

- That's alliteration.

- What?

- Alliteration, Kubla Khan.  When the words use the same sounds, not sound like each other.  Same sounds.

- Yea, that.

- That's alliteration...I think.

- It doesn't matter.  I got the juices flowing.  I was thinking maybe I could write a song and we could play it, you know, come up with some chords for it.  Maybe I could get a solo in there.  I'd have to do the writing of course because no one wants to hear about your ex.   

- (chuckles) Yea, but wouldn't this be pop music?

- There's no guitar and bass in pop music?

- I don't know, I thought it was just beats.  

- Did you read the other one too?

- What other one?

- None of your business!

- The one that looks like a witch's claws on paper?

- That's private.

- No, I didn't read anything else, Today.   I was just skimming—

- Good, that's the one I was worried about.  I don't want anyone reading it.

- Well, I tried, but I couldn't read your chicken scratch.  It looks like a madman wrote it.

- That's cause I wrote it with my other hand.

- Who do you think you are, Hendrix?

hit me with that fish oil, fish oil (2x)

i wanna be healthy for you, girl (2x)

chorus

verse

my heart beats for you

at an optimal level 

you're my apple in the morning,

we meditate at night

sometimes when i find 

your pop tarts in the basement,

you're the cutest 

little bug i want to squash

circuit circuit training

changing up our routine

i cut the cheese, went dairy free

i wanna give you the best of me

hit me with that fish oil, fish oil

woa-a-ohoa

hit me with that fish oil, fish oil

trial by declaration

hamlet chobanyan

2003 vanowen #A, feb. 14

woa-a-ohoa

i wanna be 

healthy 

for 

you, girl

i wanna be 

healthy 

for 

you, girl

i wanna be 

healthy 

for 

you, girl

sorry

- Why are you so—

- Dark?  I'm brooding, aren't I?  Mysterious—dangerous.

- No, grumpy.  

- The strong, silent type.

- Just grumpy.  You even have flakes in your eye.

- I have to start my freakin' 4th Step today.

- (laughing) Oh. 

- Yea.

- That explains a lot.

- Last time I did my resentment list on her, it didn't end well for me.  I was buying dvd players on discount and the ambulance was really mean.

- Oh.

- Probably it was stuff like the email and pictures—not the shit she did while she was in training.  Real eye-opener.

- Oh.

- Is that all you ever say?  Oh?  That's all you have to offer?

- Jeez, what do you want me to say?  Write down what you want me to say and I'll say it.

- Just say oh.

- Okay...

- How could I have been so stupid?  I was always the dramatic one.

- Oh.

- Yea...

- Well, she was young—

- And I conveniently forgot for a whole decade.  I just brushed it off.

- You're only naive until you learn.

- Oh.

- Yea—

- Yea, well, I have to do my 4th Step...and she's Jesus' girl now.

- (mumbles) Maybe it'll be a humbling experience.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Oh, nothing.

- Oh, you got something to say now? Where are you going?

- I'm going to make a nice breakfast. You need something healthy to keep you focused.  

- I don't want anything.

- I'll cut up some bananas.  It tastes way better sliced—want me to make us a nice smoothie?

- No.  

- Oh, you need the energy—I'll make us a smoothie.

- Whatever... Hey, Today?

- Yea?

- While you're at it, do me a favor, yea?

- Sure, what is it?

- Hit me with that fish oil, will ya?

- Fish oil?

- Yea, hit me with that fish oil.

- What—hey!

- Oh-woa-woa.

- You went through my stuff!

- Hit me with that fish oil?  What the hell is that, Today?

- You can't go through my stuff!

- (laughing) But I already did!  Today, are you in a...a healthy boy band?

- Are you up?

- (whimper)

- War of the worlds again?

- What?

- You were whimpering.

- Huh...what? 

- You were making noises, bird noises.

- I wonder if each time I dream like that, she's doing it.

- Doing what?

- Cause that's what I was doing when she was doing it.

- Doing what?

- I sure as hell wasn't studying.

- Hell's not certain—only love is.

- Only sex is.  (mocking) there was passion.  

- What do you mean?  You grumpy?

- (groggy) I don't know.  I couldn't sleep all night.

- Why not?

- Because I made a conscious decision not to be able to sleep.

- Grumpy.  Definitely grumpy.

- Eh.

- What were you doing?

- Nothing.

- Were you masterbating?

- I can't believe I ate seven slices of pizza.  It's like a hang over...of consequences.

- Why'd you eat so much?

- That's what happens when your team loses two in a row.

- Oh.

- If you were to flash that number on a screen in my head before I had the pizza, it would be the same effect as flashing the scoreline before the game.

- Why did you get pizza in the middle of the night?

- Why wouldn't I get pizza in the middle of the—ahhh, all that exercise for nothin.'

- It wasn't for nothing.  You released endorphins.  That makes it all worth it.

- What?  Shut up, Today.  

- (whispers) Impulsive.

- At least my heart beats at an optimum level.

- What?

- Nothing—exercise is the worst invention in the history of the world.

- What were you watching?  ESPN Classic?  You know those games are old.

- It was a live game.  

- Not on ESPN Classic.

- It wasn't ESPN Classic!  The game was starting early over there—

- Soccer?

- Football.  It's called, football, Today.

- (whispers) Futbol.

- It was on like at 5.  I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep, anyway.  But I was getting too tired for the game.  I had coffee to stay up.

- You should have had it black.  That curbs your appetite, no problem.

- I did have black coffee—then I had seven slices of pizza.  I thought I'd save the rest—

- Yea, right! 

- I know.  It didn't even keep me up.  Coffee always makes me tired; I noticed that early on when I wasn't doing speed.  Me and her used to joke about it.

- That's probably why you always eat in a hurry, too.

- (soft piano music) And you know what I learned about myself in the process, Today?

- (soft piano music) Yes?

- I'm what's called a chetess.

- Today?

- ...

- Today?  You up?

- (snoring, whimper)

- Must be dreaming.  (whisper) What are you dreaming about, Today?

- (whimper)

- Must be on a moving train.  Jeez, I can't sleep.  Here I am, talking to myself in this internal monologue.  Wash my dish, my ass.  Look at him, I should pour his water over his face.  How cute, he's drinking water to get healthier.  Looks like it's just me and you brain...knock-knock

- (empty, audience laughter)

- Hmm...maybe I can do drop by drop on his face.  Maybe that'll get him to wet the bed.  Wait, that's my couch.  I don't want to embarrass him, anyway—he's high maintenance as it is.  Should I wash his dish for him?  What do you think?

- (audience spellbound)

- I don't want to wake him with the noise.  But I should move it; the clutter's surely going to work upon my nerves.  Upon?  Yea, I'm going to be feverish on Nesky Prospect.  Shut up.  No, you shut up.  

- (audience laughter)

- I'll just go put the dish away to clear up room for his papers, whatever he was doing.  Well, here I am moving stage left.  Ah, yes, the cup of water and droplets like a madeleine, or standing over the stove eating red rice with labne when I'm an old man.  Surely, a remembrance of days out yonder—days of yore.  Whatever. 

- (audience laughter) 

- We slept in bunk beds in our grandparents' room.  We saw it on TV.  Drop by drop, until he slaps himself.  We waited till they were asleep.  I told my sister I'd do it.  Papik always went to bed with a glass of water.  I splashed the whole thing on his face though.

- (laughter)

- Standing over him, then rushing back to my bed.  He hardly he ever yelled at us...hardly ever.  - (audience laughter)
- Damn near cussed us out.  My grandma got up to yell at us, and my sister told her, You're having a dream, and grandma started yelling even more.  Guess I'll try to get some zzzzs again.  What's with all the papers, Today?  What's he working on, anyway?  Here I am, tightening up his mess...his scribblings.  Looks like a letter from a mental patient.  I couldn't even read that if I tried—looks like a witch wrote it.  Are these—wait a minute.  Are these...lyrics???

real quickly, i wanted to apologise for the planned parenthood bit a ways back, about the morning coffee.  it was stupid

- Damn, the remote's not working again.  I just changed the stupid batteries.

- You gotta get up and aim it at the corner, right where the red light is.

- That sucks.

- See it?

- Yea.

- See the red spot?

- Yea, shut up.

- No, at the corner—

- I am! It's not working.

- You gotta be patient.

- Goddammit.

- Don't throw it.

- I'm gonna throw it.

- No, don't.

- (laughing) It's like when a lighter doesn't work.  Irrational rage.  I love spite.

- I'm gonna wash my dish before I forget.  

- Good thinking.

- Then I'm gonna pray so I don't have to get back up.  I like falling asleep on the couch.  All nice and comfortable after I've done my prayer.

- You get anal about it if you forget?

- Yea, it's like OCD.

- What do you mean?

- It's like when I go to the bathroom and wash my hands, then forget if I did or not.

- I know what you mean.  It plays with you.

- It's so annoying.  My mind won't stop until I get up and have to wash again.

- Prayer's not supposed to be annoying, Today.

- No, that's not what I mean—you know when you wake up and have to pee—

- Yea, when the bakery opens—

- But you won't get up.

- Yea.

- You just make yourself suffer.  You can't go back to sleep either.

- I know...

- Don't look at me while I pray.

- Then go somewhere else.

- No, why should I have to feel weird about praying?

- I don't know.  Why do you?  

- I don't.

- Then pray already.

- What are you gonna do?

- I don't know!  Do you want me to look away?  I'm tired, Today.

- You want to pray with me?

- Oh my god!  What are we turning into...maybe I'll go into another room and do it.

- I've lost seven in a row...should have stopped at five.

- Lucky number seven.

- Here's hoping.  My rating plummeted.  I didn't think I would go down anymore.

- What's that?

- Nothing.  What are you doing?  You getting the mac and cheese?

- Yea, I'm not going to heat it up though.  I like it as it is, clumped together—

- Don't eat out of the pan.

- Why not, you said it was all for me.

- No, I didn't.

- You want some?

- No, and what's it matter?  Why don't you—

- It's more homely like this—

- Make a plate like a normal person.

- You sound like my mother—Hey, what's a boil?

- What do you mean?

- Well, in the Simpsons, Homer asked Marge if he had a pimple or a boil.

- What?  

- And I always wondered what a boil could be.

- I don't know.

- I got this thing behind my ear, I can't see it or pop it.

- I hate those.

- Do you think that's a boil?

- I don't know Today.

- Look it up.

- No.  Come sit down.

- Look it up.  You can take a break from losing.

- Come sit down, Today, before we pop the air out of this thing.

- What's that?

- Hurry up, it's not going anywhere.

- Didn't you pause it?

- The movie?

- What's that?

- Today!  It's already long as it is.

shiser!

Antonio Brown: "Damn, this is how EatKhash must feel when he writes a post."

I had so many nightmares last night that the world was ending, war then flooding, real vivid and painful.  I haven't been able to recall my dreams lately—which is a bit alarming, as it's a good way to analyze my psyche—just the effect produced.  Like WW2 meets Independence Day meets 2012...meets War of the Worlds, definitely, but with humans, mainly.  I wonder what Hitler would think if aliens invaded.  Then the stupid movie decided to repeat and I forced myself to wake up, really worn, lest I go through it again.  Apparently I screamed a lot during the night, and I like that because it makes me appear real tortured to others.  That's hot.  I mean, think about it, who has the most sex?  Serial killers.  I'll always take sympathy over empathy...but I won't tell others.  Empathy's for chumps.  They won't cut you a check alone with empathy...but empathy over sympathy to the public.  I don't know, I think it's because of all the ice cream I eat a few times in the middle of the night, then get down on myself, and it's not even mine.  Then I have to buy him another tub.  That shit's expensive, why can't he just stick to the store brand, I tell him.  I eat everyone's food, I just don't care.  I wear a hockey mask and guard mine in the middle of the night, jump out.  I wish I never discovered mint chocolate moosetracks.

I have dreams that the tub is so light it's obvious.  And I know he's eventually gonna go for it and they know it's me, i can feel their look I could feel her look when I would walk into the kitchen

...and I don't have much time.  He's gonna know it's light again.  It was empty in my dream.  Just sitting there in the freezer.  There's some relief when I awake from my troubled slumber, if there is such a thing.  Oh, come now, I didn't eat that much, there was a second tub that broke my fall.

I had to buy it the day before.

- What are you doing?

- Sucking at chess again.  

- Why don't you read a book to up your game?

- Up your game?  What are you my girlfriend?  You're not buying me dinner.

- Is that your fantasy?  Arguing with your girlfriend in the evening about you playing chess?

- Shut up, Today.  And what do you care what we argue about?  That's between me and her.

- I can buy you dinner.  

- Go get some mac and cheese—there's still some on the stove...while I finish this.  Then we can turn it back on.

- Oh, I'm not hungry.  I'm working on something, too.

- Homework?

- No,  I took a break from my writing assignment.

- What is it—fucker!

- What?

- Nothing...I hate this guy.

- He's winning?

- What's your homework?

- Oh, I have to write about fraudulent perceptions that hinder my connection with reality.

- For English?

- My counselor.  He's a yoga teacher. He's very in touch.

- What the hell does that even mean?

- What?

- Fraudulent perceptions.

- Well I told him about the time I gave up playing the guitar because I had to learn through lessons, and there's no street cred in that.

- I thought you stopped because of your higher endeavors.

- I can't carry a tune.  

- That's singing.

- I mean, I can't play a song just by hearing it.

- So?

- Well, what if someone has a request during a concert—

- You can ask them for the tabs—

- Or if they show me up at jam session?

- Do you have any concerts coming up?

- Well, I'm not a true musician.  

- So you're not allowed to play guitar?  You're going to deny yourself because of that—we have fun.

- Yea but I'm not the best.

- You're not even the best at what you're good at...only I am.

- I guess that's the point of fraudulent perceptions.

- Gotcha—motherfucker! I hate this guy!  Why do I always do this?

- Do what?

- These fuckin ingrates.  I shouldn't have given him a rematch.  No one ever gives rematches.  You give a rematch, and you lose.

- Oh.

- Fuck it.

- You snap your rubber band after each lose?

- I use it for various trains of—lose?

- That's not how you spell it?

- Fuck, my vocabulary's gone to shit.

- Why don't you read some of the books I just got this semester?

- That ain't organic.

I'm really charming today.  I mean I'm just nailing it.  Each exchange, I walk away and whisper yes!  Hold on, I see another potential exchange.