Shower strike alert!

I will not stand for this!  Do you know how many edits I went through?  Do they want me to tell my mom?  Do they know who I am!

- Probably not.

- Will you shut up, Today!

- I like your essay, Today, but there's just one problem.

- The spelling?

- Well, and those yea—there's a lot of those. 

- Yea, but I wrote it in cursive so the teacher can't tell.

- You know that you misspelled the word but you wrote it in cursive so that you can misspell it instead of looking up your errors?  That means you know already that you're misspelling your words and not looking them up.

- So what, playa?  It's English, the teacher will correct me.

- Don't you want to get a good grade?

- How am I going to learn if teacher doesn't correct me?

- But you already know you're spelling it wrong.

- Sometimes...that's why I write in cursive—

- Shut up!  I'm so worn out.  Okay, you read all your errors when you get your paper back, at least?

- You mean read them?

- Yes.

- Usually there's no marks cause the teacher can't read my handwriting.

- So how does he know you're not just drunk and ranting about your neighbor getting a new car?

- We can usually pick our own topics.  Sometimes ranting makes you write better... He's usually drunk.

- Whatever.  You pick this topic?  

- Yea.

- It's a good one.

- I'm a good one.

- Okay, so you write it's important to act based on goodness.

- Oh, no one's going to argue with that.  There's a solid A coming my way.

- Okay, but at the same time I see you make fun of three different people in here.  These your classmates?

- Just the ones I don't like.  So? Teachers's not going to tell them.

- It just sounds hypocritical to me.  And what's this?  "Hamlet Sucks."  Why is this in the middle of your essay? You trying to be experimental?

- It's a clause.

- What's a clause?  Like Santa Claus?  Or the clause on Messi's contract?

- I don't know, I just wrote it because I found out why Lala's not been coming to class.

- Why?

- Hamlet got arrested for beating her.  

- That bitch.  

- I hope it wasn't because of me.

- I hope she got some shots in.  How do you know?

- My friend told me.  He knows people.

- People?

- From their apartment.

- You really like to hype your friend up.

(ring-ring)

- Hello, you have reached Today—

- Today?

- Did it sound like a message?!

- No, I knew it was you.  

- Oh.

- Talk to me, I'm all lettered out.

- I wanted to sound professional—did I sound professional because when I record myself saying official things, I think I still sound like a kid.

- Everybody sounds different in real life than the voice in their head.

- I want to start sounding professional.

- The voice on a phone or recording is different, too.  It almost cost me our first date.

- Why?

- Cause I sounded like you.

- How?

- Like a kid.

- Hey!

- How often do you record yourself?

- Oh, I don't know.  More lately because me and my friend are starting to make plans.

- What do you mean?  Business plans?

- Yea, the checks are on their way.  He's been calling.

- You?

- No, the office to complain.  Then he calls me to keep me updated.  We've been going over some ideas.

- Tell me later, all I'm seeing is into letters today.  Did you know almost every letter in the English alphabet has a v in it?

- What do you mean?

- 7-11.  

- That's not a letter, those are numbers.

- There's a v in the 7.  And in the word, "HEALTHCARE"

- What about it?

- Lots of vs there.

- What?

- And really, Today, if you think about it, I mean really think about it, the R is a P on a stroller.

- Are you okay?

- I hope so.  I'm tired.  But you don't think that's funny?  I hope you're laughing.

- Umm—

- I don't care if you don't like my jokes just be laughing.

- If it'll make you feel better.

- Make your move.

- I did.

- That was my move—Why are you smiling like that?  Make your move!

- Is it flustering you?

- No.

- Beguiling you?

- No.

- Come on, guy.

- Make your move!

- Okay, this is my move.

- I know what you're doing.

- I'm intimidating you.

- You've been smiling the whole game because you want me to think you're some precocious chess genius—

- Ummhmm.

- But I'm taking all your pieces—it doesn't work that way, Today.  When's your grand plan gonna come to fruition? 

- You ate my horse!

- I'm killing you, Today.  This is such a great day!

- Not that way.

- How?

- Put each bag with a water to hold it down.

- But I want to make a nice little square inside the box with all the bags first, so we can just drop everything in boom boom boom.

- It's too windy for that.

- But boom boom boom!

- (laughs) It's good thinking though.  We're still going to do that.  We're going to boom boom boom, you better believe it.  But first it's going to take some time because of the water...

- So what do I do?

- These bags are pesky—Just open each up individually, but put a water in each before you put it down in the box, then set up your square, like 4 or 5—

- 5!  Definitely 5!

- Yea, 5 rows—

- 5 rows of 5!

- Yea, then we can easily start dropping the food in.  First, each gets the crackers, boom.  Then peanuts, boom.

- The breakfast bars—

- Boom.

- Fruit—

- Et cetera.  This doesn't need to be too long.

- One more though.

- Chili mango!

- Hey, I found the dog.

- Oh yea?!  Tell me...

- Well—

- But don't stretch it out.

- When I was riding my bike...comma

- Today!

- I decided to ride around that intersection—

- Hey, hand me that bag.

- And I saw a man in the alley walking a little dog.  I just thought I'd ask him, so I said if I could show him the picture from my phone, and as he was looking at it I looked at his dog and realized it was the same dog!

- Oh yea, was it his?  How do you rip this fuckin' thing.  Here, I'll use my keys.

- He seemed reluctant to admit that was the same dog.  He was using clever language to admit that he agreed that there was a dog in the picture.  He sounded like a politician.  I don't know if he follows the Four Agree—

- Today!

- Well, anyway,  I just told him someone had lost the dog a second time, and it looks like someone's taking care of him.  But he said he had three already and was going to try to find it a home.  The puppy seemed happy.

- That's good.  Did you tell him anything about you could keep it?  Or did you want to?  

- Well, I gave him my number just in case.  He wouldn't give me his, but I don't mind.

- As long as the pup has a home.

- Yea, there really was a raccoon in that alley the night before.  

- You're such a hero, Today!  

- I don't get why he seemed suspicious of me though.

- Maybe he's going to try to sell it...  

- Sell the dog? 

- Here, we can stuff a few bags in between.

- You really think he wants to sell it?  

- Who knows.

- That's a cynical way to think.

- I guess.  Whatever's left we can just put on top.

- Why do you think he's going to sell it?  To a poacher?  A puppy poacher!

- (laughs) No, not a poacher, Today—Well if he wanted to find it a home and...eh, whatever. 

- What?  

- I don't know, I just hope he's impeccable with his word. 

- I hope he has a good heart.

- Gotta apologize to the big guy next time.  We're not going to get to his area today.

- Here, I got you a breakfast burrito.  You want the ham or the bacon?

- I don't feel like eating meat today.

- Huh?  What happened—Was the pup in the kennel?

- No, it was mainly pitbulls.  One of them had a huge bone in its mouth and was smiling at me like a baby.

- Pitbulls smile?

- There was a ten year old chihuahua with a fat stomach and one eye missing.  It didn't move when I went near it.  His missing eye was stiched up like a rag doll's.  I don't know what's going to happen.

- Let it be, I guess.

- Is it selfish to not think about it anymore?

- It doesn't make sense to dwell on the sad sensation, Today.  At least, it does no good, I think.

- I ran out of there.  It was too much.  I shouldn't have cried in front of it—what if it realized what I was thinking?

- Jeez, don't think like that.  Dogs are stupid.

- There were also two little ones together in the cage.  One of them was humping their bed and the other was up front staring at me. 

- It was probably saying look what I have to go through.

- I thought you said dogs are stupid.

- I'm just joking.  Here, before it gets cold.  

- No.

- Don't get sentimental, Today.  Take the bacon.  I want the ham.

- No, I don't want it.

- Why don't you adopt it then?

- I don't know.  I'm afraid.

- You don't have to be afraid.  It's already dead—all that's left is for you to eat it.

- Stop messing with me.  I don't feel good.

- There's other ways you can help, Today.  You're going to be late for class.  Close the door so we can go.

bsides and rarities

- Come in.

- What are you doing, working on your blog?

- Yea.  I'm having some...some kind of time of it, I guess...(sighing) I don't even know what that means.

- I can tell, you're not even on the notepad.  You're just right there in it.

- I'm just trying to get it going some way or another, Today.  This charger's really annoying.  I can't manuever much with it.

- I pulled something in my arm today trying to scratch my back.

- Yea, that's how my mind feels.  It's irking but not distinct.  Anyway, how was school?

- Umm?

- Just talk, don't think.

- Umm

- I pulled my arm trying to?

- Today!

- I rode my bike.

- No you didn't you were at school.

- Well I rode it over here—Oh, listen.

- Hold on I gotta piss.  You better have something for me when I get back or I'm going to be very, very...it won't be good for you Today.

- Want me to tell you now?  I have it...

- No—hold on... What do you have for me, Today?

- Let me get one of those...

- Get in character.

- Okay. So...oh, I need a jacket, it's cold.

- Today!

- So Stephanie sent out a group tex—

- Wrong answer.  Pick a fictitious name.

- Umm...Step Phony?

- Mariam Bell.

- So this one girl from class a couple nights ago sent out a text about finding a lost puppy, and I thought it would be great to have a dog.

- That's just like you, Today.  Your mom's going to end up taking care of it.

- I can take care of a dog!

- What about your sports injury?

- Well, it doesn't matter, anyway.  

- What happened?

- This girl said she didn't know what to do with it so I thought maybe I could take care of it, but then she said she had convinced the guy who keeps asking her for a ride home everyday to take care of it—

- Convinced?

- I thought we could make flyers if he can't keep it or maybe I could offer something.

- She probably likes convincing people who stare at her all the time.

- You're not in a good mood.

- What happened?

- The next time he came to class—

- Probably comes to a lot more—

- What?  Can you turn it down?

- Yea, this fuckin movie.

- Who's ever heard of babies talking?

- Yea, dumb movie.  So what happened?

- He said he was late for work one day and left the dog in the back of his apartment and he was fidgety and now the puppy somehow has been missing for a couple days.

- Did he check any shelters or look for it?

- But he was late for work that morning.

- Is he late for work every morning?

- Oh, I don't know, but he gave us an intersection!  

- Maybe he has to walk everywhere.  He sounds like he's on his own maybe.

- Oh, maybe.  Do you want to ride your bicycle around with me?  It'll be fun.

- I gotta work on this, Today.

- Maybe I'll ride around that area.  Who knows, maybe the dog might be around and I can try to do something.

- Ask it for a ride.

- What?

- Nothing.  Something is wrong with my thinking, Today.  Go before it gets too dark.  Make sure you don't end up petting no raccoon.

- Oh, I'm going to take care of it if I find it.  

(ring-ring)

- So what'd you do today, Today?

- Took a shower!

- Congratulations!  How was it?

- Well, there was a lot of anxiety in the lead up but once I got in there I didn't stop until I was done.

- What do you mean?

- I didn't take any breaks.

- That's good, Today, real good.  You ready?  I should be by in a few minutes.

- Yea, but I'm going to wear my Batman shirt still.  I've been wearing it for the last few days because I got a good compliment on it the other day.

- Not in my car you're not.

- It doesn't smell!  I was at a store the other day and a guy walked passed me and smiled and said that's a nice shirt!

- Cool.

- I know, compliments are great!  Then when I was walking out he was standing outside waiting and he said, "No, really, I'm a big fan!"  He really liked my shirt!

- That motherfucker.

- What?

- He wasn't complimenting you, Today.  He was making fun of you.

- No he wasn't.  Why would he make fun of me?

- Because he thinks he's a genius.

- What do you mean?

- Because so many people wear the shirt—he was saying you're the actual Batman.

- What?  

- He doesn't like that everyone wears that shirt and it allows him to be witty at your expense.

- But I like Batman.

- Not to mention he doesn't know why you chose what you're wearing or maybe your brother worked on the set and gave you a gift.

- I don't have a brother.

- Or maybe you are Batman!

- I'm not Batman.  I like Batman.

- Maybe you are a type of Batman...or Peter Pan, man!

- What are you talking about?

- Nevermind.  Get ready.  That bastard...

lest i forget

maybe just been around too many people today

- 0-0, it's a draw.

- Shut up, Today.

- Got you smiling.  

- Thanks.

- We should ride our bikes more.

(ring-ring)

- Hey you, wanted to check up on you!

- Check up on me?  Well thanks, Today.  You sound cheery.  You didn't go to class?

- No, I did.  Hamlet wasn't there.

- Oh, okay.

- Lala wasn't either.

- So how was it?  

- My friend said I should sue Hamlet. 

- I meant how was class?

- Oh, I'm behind on an essay.  I had to leave early to see a doctor because my mom doesn't want me to get sick before I go out with the others.

- Well, ribs are expensive.

- When I saw him, I said I don't want the shot—he said you're gonna take the shot.  But I feel better now.  It didn't hurt.

- Good.

- How are you?  Thanks for coming to see me.

- You know, it feels good not to be miserable.

- What do you mean?

- I dunno.  Actually, I could go tomorrow or I could go next week, and then my words won't mean shit again.

- I'm not sure what you mean.

- I just mean, it feels good not to be miserable, Today.

- Well, okay.

- Lest I forget.

- What?

- Nothing, go do your essay—you're gonna take the shot.

-Wha—

-(click)

- Your mom let me in.

- Don't let her come in.  I'm mad at her.

- So you haven't been going to school?

- I'm too traumatized to go.

- You afraid of seeing Hamlet?

- I'm afraid of everyone.

- Oh, come on, Today.

- Lala saw me cry.

- Well, she knows you're the sensitive type.  And girls like that...they say.

- Then why's she with Hamlet?

- Well, he's in touch with his emotions, too.

- She's my soulmate.  

- I know...Well, have you eaten?

- My mom got me orange chicken.  She wanted to cook me soup and meat and potatoes but I yelled at her and said, "Look at my face!" 

- What was she thinking?

- Tomorrow I think I'll send her for Hawaiian BBQ.

- You know, Today, I don't know how traumatized you are if you're planning out your comfort food for the week.

- No, trust me, I am.  Burger King just sent me new coupons in the mail.

 - What if your face is back to normal tomorrow? Oh, stop crying.

- Can I tell you something?

- Sure

- You won't laugh?

- Not if it's going to make you cry.

- Well—No, you're going to laugh.

- No, I'm going to leave.

- Well...I've always thought of myself as a gangster.

- (laughs) A gangster? 

- Like De Niro or Soprano.

- Oh yea, of course.  Now I can see it.

- When I walk down the street, I always picture people I pass, like strangers, whispering things to me.

- Whispering—what?  What kind of things?

- You know.

- No, I don't know.  

- You know...

- What?

- That they took care of that thing for me, and I nod—and we're wearing overcoats that cover our mouths—

- So the FBI don't read your lips?

- Yea, so others don't know we're in cahoots.

- You're priceless, Today—wait, are you trying to get me to beat up Hamlet for you?

- No, I mean, real gangsters don't fight.  We look too good to fight.  

- Yea, you'll mess up your coats.

- Why would he punch me?

- You said his wife was your horse, Today.  It must have caught him off guard walking in, and that's the only reaction he knows.

- He can't even speak English.  This is his third year in class.

- I'm sure he knows a couple words at least...

- Lala's only with him cause he has a Range Rover.

- Only for a little while.

- What do you mean?  Are you going to say something to Lala about me? Say only good things. 

- (laughs) You gangster, yea, I'll take care of it for you.

- Wait till I start making moves.

- Then you don't want to miss too much of class, Today. 

- Thanks for the light.

- God is my light.

- Okay...

- Well, it's time.

- What time is that?

- Time to visit the unit.

- The unit?

- The unit I clean every night.

- You got a cleaning business?  You a proprietor?

- The toilet, my man.  I'm the janitor.

- Oh.  You clean toilets?

- Yea I clean toilets—I clean your toilets, my love.  It's nice to meet me.

- Well, thank you.  

- And sometimes—

- Yes?

- When I'm angry—

- No!

- I place the roll opposite the old lady.

- Oh...Well, I'm a teacher.

- You don't sound so hot.

- I have lost my heart.

- Tell me, your soul, does it smart?

- Well, thank you anyway for what you do—

- Stomach flu.

- Huh?

- Gonna visit my handiwork—

- Ah—

- Then destroy it.

- Oh...

- It's all becoming clear to you.

- Say no more.

- Don't you be getting no mental images now—Hey!

- Yes?

- You're a drunken' cunt.

- You can tell?

- I can tell a cunt when I sees it's drunk.

- So what should I do?

- Do something that's not about you—

- But I don't want to—I want to suck your blood.

- Just do it for Today.

- Oh he got punched in the faaacce.

- Then help me clean this place!

- But I don't wanna have to do.

- Come on man, I gotta take a poo!

- Oh it will take a fortnight—

- No, I will take a fortnight!  Then you can take a fortnight too. You'll get soul out of you.

- I like your play on poo!

- poo

- poo

- poo

- poo

- poo

- poo

- (house music, dancing in underwear)

- This the classroom where the punching occured?  

- Huh?

- Put that away, teacher teacher.

- You a cop?  Or you just think you're better than me?

- Arose such a ladder.

- Yea, this the room.  Who you is?

- But I meant, get your hand off the other thing.

- But it's recess.

- But it's gross.

- Who you is?

- Friend of the poor punched.

- You dangerous?

- And you armed.

- Not anymore.

- How complicit.  What happened?

- (nonchalant) Unsavory man punched manbaby.

- Don't call him that.

- What happened, disgruntled complaint from the mother of the manbaby?

- I said don't call him that.

- I'll call him—

- You're slurring—I'll show you and your unsavory catfish!  (chasing teacher around like a...like a...hero...again!) God, my stomach!

- Oh, it's a hurt's nest!

- Is he here?

- (nurse) Yea, I gave him an ice pack.  The swelling should go down.

- Okay. (walking in)  Today?  Why'd you call me and not your mom—Jesus, what happened to your face?

- Hamlet clobbered me!

- Oh, jeez.  It's okay.  Stop crying, it'll be okay...okay, okay.  Let me see.

- Is my face deformed?  

- The nurse said it's not too bad.  

- Not too bad?  I think my cheekbone popped out.

- Well, you might get a shiner.  It shouldn't be too bad, Today.

- Do you think it's a concussion?

- What happened?

- He hit me!

- Who?  Where?

- In class.

- The first day back?

- The first minute. (murmuring)

- Okay, okay...stop crying.

- But it hurts.

- Does it murmurum?

- Yes!

- What happened?

- I was so excited.  I saw my friend and we were talking and the teacher wasn't there—class hadn't started so we got to betting on which one of our classmates would walk in next.  He gave me 10 to 1 odds, but I said that was too rich for my blood—

- Too rich?

- So he gave me 5 to 1 if I could pick the right horse.

- Horse?

- Well, he loves to gamble and he said he needed something to ween off till the checks come in, so I got in the mood, too, and I picked Lala because before he even said let's bet on horses I was playing a game in my head saying the next person that walks in will be my soulmate—unless it's Eugene cause he's old and rambles—

- What the hell are you talking about?

- And so I told him Lala, and she walked in and I got so excited because I was going to win 5 to 1 and I said, "Lala, you were my horse!" 

- This is the girl with the jealous husband?

- Yea, he had walked in right behind her. 

- Oh jeez.

- (continues murmuring)

- (chuckling) At least she was the first to walk in.

- Yea, but she's married!

- Are you ready?

- No, not Today. 

- What?  But the pool's open now.

- Not today, Today.  I'm tired.

- Come on, the hardest part is the first day back.

- I'm grouchy—what's the point?  The stupid pageviews have been drying up.  

- (mutters) Quality's kind of down.

- Shut up.  I mean, why do anything?

- That's exactly why we should go.

- Oh, so I have to go to gym to get material?

- No, so you don't depend on the outside world.

- You're right, Today.  When'd you get so smart?

- Hey!

- It does kind of resemble the sensations of another pattern.  Look, I just took a nap, and I'm grouchy.

- But....what about Christina's butt?

- Let me tell you something, Christina likes her butt more than you or I.  If she catches you staring, you better be prepared to keep it up or you'll hurt her feelings.

- Oh, I wouldn't want to let her down.  So are we going?

- No.

- Why?

- Cause it's too fuckin cold.  I'm in the middle of Guadalcanal.

(ring-ring)

- Today?

- That's my name don't wear it out—Will you hold on, Mom!

- What's going on?

- Nothing.  Mom's being a Monday.

- That's not nice.

- I know.  I'm horrible.

- That's not like you—you're usually not aware.

- I don't realize until after I yell at her, I guess.

- Why'd you yell?

- I couldn't remember what I did with my stupid house keys, and while I was trying to stupid remember, she said something stupid like, maybe it's not in the house.  Well, how did I get in the house, Mom?  How did I get in?

- I don't know, I'm not your mom.

- It's not like the butler let me in.

- Did you find it?

- Yes, eventually.

- Was it in the house?

- No.

- Where was it?

- Doesn't matter.

- (laughs) Where was it? 

- I forgot I had gone back out to get my milkshake.  I always do this to her, snap at her because I impulsively dismiss her brain but all she hears is the roar and amidst that she has a few moments to plead her case...but not anymore to prove her point. 

- Oh.

- It makes me sad.  I don't want to think about it any more.

- Okay—

- You know, there's something subtly traumatic about it, year by year.  

- That's cause it sounds like the same thing an abused dog experiences.

- But I don't abuse my mom.

- You're used to how you treat her.  Like she's used to your yelling.

- I should tell her she was right, but I don't know if that's what she was really thinking about.  I gotta go, she made me dinner.

- Yea, patch things up—ask for seconds.

- She's always watching cooking shows, but she always makes the same things.

- Jesus, you are horrible.  

- Maybe she's afraid.

- What time is it?

- Oh hurry up!

- What's it matter, no one read yesterday's.

- He said they're snacks—they're not lunches.  Should I give him one?

- I'll drop you off so you can argue with him.  Just give him one.

- I'll show him snacks—why doesn't he get a job?

- Why don't you get a job?

- You're right, gotta start thinking ambitiously.  Next semester, I'm going to do a better job of saving my money.

- How are your classes, by the way?  You've been spending so much time helping me—

- I can't afford to pitch in with your hobos, though—I mean, I know—

- I don't need you to.  I just need you to be with me, Today.

- Oh, sure, baby.  But when the checks come in for next semester, I gotta start planning my future.

- Making moves?

- Yea, I'm really behind some of these—

- You've been missing a lot of class lately, haven't you?  What if they fail you and want the money back?

- But we're on break.  It's the holidays, playa.  Don't you remember anything from elementary?

- Oh, yea...there's one.

- Okay, I'm gonna lodge this one.

- Don't lodge it.

- I can get him.  I'm gonna lodge it.

- The bag's going to rip.  Don't lodge it, hold on.

- Change the channel.

- What?  Why?  Their about to see their first house together.

- I'm not feeling it.

- It's the spring of their new lives.  It's cute.    

- Just change it, Today.

- They're not going to start having sex right away, if that's what—I'm sure they've already—

- Will you change it!

- Okay, okay.  

- Sorry...

- It wasn't a sex movie.  The realtor wasn't hot or anything. 

- I wasn't thinking of sex. 

- There were no beds or sheets.  Nothing to lie—

- I get it.

- She looked like Sunday.

- I'm just being stupid...pointless self-pity.

- You don't like to see romance?

- I don't want to think about their—I dunno, guess I'm still just thinking about myself.

- You know, this guy told me to look into real estate classes.  

- You going to be flipping houses now?

- Maybe we can open up an office together, you know, get in on the housing boom.

- What about Best Hookah Bar?

- Why are you making fun of my dream?  It's better to be ambitious than in pity.

- I'm not making fun of you; you're my gem.  Let's go look at the housing boom downtown before I get too in on myself.

onbrownpaperbag will be closed on New Years Day

To mark the weirdest 2015 we have ever known.  And by weirdest, we mean most wonderful!