I leased a spaceship, but I couldn't afford the mileage

 

I really wish I had more for you.  I'm in a good place today.  Happy holidays.  

We're losing.  But it's such a beautiful day.  Power 106 plays the same five freakin' songs over and over, but I have tears in the backseat, that's why you're in my living room twerking.  I like the Merry—touchdown!

- Hey you're not watching.

- Hold on.

- No you're not.

- What?

- Fuck, he skipped a line.

- Did you just cuss?

- Oh...Hey you're not watching!

- Yea I am.

- No you're not.

- Hold on.

- What are you doing?

- I just gotta finish up; it's timed.

- What are you doing?

- Hold on, Today.

- What's the rubber band for?  You gonna play cat's cradle?  

- No, it's an experiment.

- What do you mean?

- I mean you're gay.

- That's not very nice.

- Then stop bothering me—I'm playing chess.

- Are you winning?

- No.

- Use the Russian opening.

- (whispers) fucker

- Jazz vin duh game!  Jazz vin duh game Screechmavich—

- Today!

- What?!

- Fuck! 

- Sorry.

- (mutters) I suck at chess. 

- Did I make you lose?

- No you made me lose.

- You should have used the Russian opening.

- Yea?  What's the Russian opening?

- You should have used the Russian opening—Where are you going?

- Get something to eat.

- You want me to pause it?

- No, that's all right.

- You don't think it's funny?

- It is.  I'm just grabbing something to eat.

- Then I'll pause it.

- You don't have to pause it.  I want some mac and cheese.

- Why don't you want me to pause it?

- Today, it's not like I'm going to the store.

- Yea, but you gotta measure the butter and milk.

- No I don't—

- Just boiling the water and stirring, you have to stand there—you're going to miss all the jokes.

- I can still hear it.  

- You gotta stir the whole time.

- So then just watch it.

- Oh, I've already seen it four times.  

- You've already seen it four times?

- Uh-huh, I know all the nuances.

- You know all the nuances?

- Are you messing with me?

- No I'm messing with you.

- What are you doing?

- Boiling water.

godbox

 

- What do you think?  Pretty dark, huh?  Yea, it took me two days to write.
- So is that an ending?
- I don't know, Today.  I'm not sure yet.  I'm definitely thinking on it.
- But how are you going to keep...you know?
- Yammering on?
- Yea.
- Who knows, maybe I'll have to start another blog on some other site.  Post-babe.
- You gotta have real readership for things like that.  People to know your footprints online.
- Shut up, Today.
- ...or thumbprints.
- (laughs) Pawprints.  I dunno, maybe I'll talk about my childhood, have some boxer talking about he was practicing karate, star of my own shown that only he'll know.  So how have you been, this is the closest I've seen to a shave from you.
- From me or you?
- (whispers) Shut up, and just keep talking.
- Well, I got this guy--
- How's it going with class?  You beat that ticket for Bella?
- Lala.
- What's it matter, we're all going to die anyway.
- You're edgier now.
- Oh, really?  Thanks, Today, I'm trying to evolve.
- Actually, it got dismissed.
- The ticket?
- No, some sorry cadet.
- That's pretty funny, Today. 

- Yea I thought so too.

- The important think is that you don't think it happpened.

- Yea

- Yea...So you get a chance to, you know, get some words in with her?
- Well, I wrote her Trial by Declaration and she sent it in; that's the last I heard from her.
- Oh.  Yea pretty standard procedure after all the pomp and circumstance.  You just use the crayon?
- Sort of--but she came up to me in class and told me it got dismissed in the mail.
- Oh ok, probably he didn't turn his in huh?
-  I don't know, I guess; I was really excited.
- You save a girl $246 or buy her a carton of cigarettes, she's going to think of you come when she gets home.  Hear that?  Pretty Wycherley of me huh?  Yea I thought they had left some notes for me in the epilogue, not very flattering.

- Then Hamlet--
- come evening
- Hamlet gave me a bottle of Johnny Walker Black.
- Hustler's code.  I wanted to be De Niro but ended up Sharon Stone.
- Then he gave me an envelope.
- What was in it, his ticket?
- Yea, he got pulled over on a residential street.
- Ah, brutal.
- Hey, my friend from class says I should get certified as schizophrenic.
- What?  Why?
- SSI.  He could probably swing me an apartment too.
- Hmm...maybe I'll come over.  Come on, we're almost there.

- Where are we going?

- I just got to make a stop...

- Here?

- Yea, one of my readers.  Gotta give him some shit.

- Oh.

- Confront him, you know?

- What'd he do.

- He's checking in the ground, but not this one.

- Oh.  Youn gonna give him a warning?

- That ship has sailed.  Final notice time.  Take your bat out.

- Ok.

- (breaking the door down) That one's done, foo.  

- (Today turns into a schizophrenic gangster)  Gonna set you guys straight.  Who said that!

el Fin.
first prize!

"I needed you, far far more than you needed me."

I'm Larry the Cable Guy
I mean, Carrey from the Cable Guy.
Jim, Carrey.

I'm trippin' you out right now!

Her name was Vin Scully.
I can't knock what she believes in.

oh first prize!

i shouldn't have critiqued her on the cereals 

altered states

"This move makes you feel like a star!"

"birth agony of a mountain"

"You're the experience.  They're behind the sheets!"

dear diary,

last night I dreamt I was in a clockwork orange

this makes me miss my home
flipping through the guide, not chaneels even
just words
I'm already anticipating
see the colors, the images my girls, then the signals
  dun-dun-dun

the voices behind it
I can't tell if their laughing
along with me, reacting
 or at the goals
I miss my home

(Is this program waiting for me to finish?
is that why she sounds hesitant)

they're not watching me today

we lost by like 31 goals...

Wait, Hey Ma', which sounds funnier: we lost by 31 goals, or we conceded 31 points?  (talking to himself as he types) This is going to blow them away...

No more "What game?" for me!

Can't find a channel to watch my beloved Steelers play ball.  What is this?  What is this?  The Chargers?  The Rams?  What a country!  What a country—can't even watch your team play over a cold domestic one!  Let me tell you something, I was watching my Steelers play before those Rams were playing in Los Angeles.  What?  Pittsburgh was on Eastern time.  Aw, easternct.  Don't think like that.  Eastern, like Asian.  Eurasian?  Ah! that doesn't even sound hot.

town hall meeting

Well, first I was going to go with the Mickey's cause it's what we drank in high school, when we'd pool our money and _____ uncle would walk to the liquor store for us.  He was a drunk.  You could tell by his walk.  He was nearing 50 and walked like he was 13.   But I thought it might make me sick.  Then I considered the Rolling Rock, cause that was my beer at the Park back in the day, until it started tasting too bitter after a few months, probably because I was drinking much more whiskey beforehand.  I thought if I'm going to have one beer, I like a little sweet honey taste that I find in Becks.  It's easier to enjoy the taste of something like Becks or Stella with weed than something like Coors.  You think you know everything...well you kind of do.  Thought oh yeah look at the name he'll go with that one, ohhh look at that name!  he'll definitely--no, he's going to go with the Bremen one,  I'll put my money Gene he's going with the one from the pictures.  

 

clean up your mess. fuck you i gotta think of a way to get 3 dollars
- Look what you've done to this place.
- Today?

dust yourself off and try again

- Why haven't you been hanging out with me?
- Sorry, Today, I haven't really much to say lately.  And you know I haven't been doing as good.
- You don't need to think of what to say to hang out with me.
- Well, I kind of do, Today...
- I've gotten into R&B a little.
- Really?  Didn't strike me as your taste, but that doesn't mean much.
- Well, sometimes I'll dilly-dally clicking news articles and get stuck on some celebrity theme,  it was an article about dead artists—
- Uh oh, Today, you know that stuff plays with your mind.
- One of the clicks was Aaliyah.  She was so pretty and talented, the poor girl, falling like that—
- Today.
- With no control and just terror—
- Don't think into it like that.
- Well I can't help imagining scary things.
- You know when I get anxious, Today, I try to remember what it was like when I wasn't born, and how I felt while not being born.
- Does it help you cope with death?
- I don't know, but it helps me appreciate you, Today.

665511

- You're losing me.
- Sorry, Today.
- Talk to me.
- No.
- Why not?
- I don't really know.
- You're such an existentialist!
- I don't feel as honest anymore*
- You let the days go by.
- Shut up, Today.  I'm not going to sit here and interview myself—I got facebook now!
- Remember what happened last time?
- Yea, Side One of Led Zeppelin Four.
- That's not the real issue—you haven't been—
- Shut up, I don't need you anymore, I think I just got a like.
- You're not yourself anymore.
- What if then it turns out I'm not the person I was trying to be*
- (Poncho) How cute, he's interviewing himself.
- Shut up, Poncho.  God, I hate that guy!
- What happened to God?
- I dunno, I kind of slide by the day acknowldging him, I'm not going to ask him—There's nothing going on!  I've just been watching a lot of The First 48 Hours.  Why don't those guys just say "Lawyer?"

- (Poncho) Or insurance.

- This one guy—he was a character—he tells the officer, that after he killed the third person, he told himself he was done killing people and from now on he was going to concentrate on his acting career.  Priceless.  He gave them such a confession that he thought afterwards he was going to be let go.

- I know, I've learned a lot from that show, too.  It takes me eight hours to order a coffee!
- Blog's taken a hit all around again.
- (Poncho) You just don't got no material that make you look good.  Material suffers if y'all lack integrity.
- Fuck off, Poncho. It's a great reason to drink.
- Maybe it's the exercise you lost, the exercise of it, I mean.
- Maybe, Today.
- (Poncho) Pass me the wine.
- Okay then, Poncho, let me ask you this, how is it so different from the last time?  It's self preservation, at least.  Maybe I'm being cynical, but it'll make me less of a fool.
- What?
- Huh?
- I dunno...I got nothing but reruns!  I'm going to post another one on fb, I'm addicted to validation.l
- (Poncho) Let me tell you something, you thought you was going to get a present.
- I don't need no present.
- (Poncho) But you couldn't even look presentable for April.
- Yea. So!  I'm my own elected boss!  No delegates are going to—
- (Poncho) So now you gotta put up your front.
- It's my blog, I can do whatever I want.
- (Poncho) You been saying that your whole life.
- That's so cute, he has.
- (Poncho) Shut up, Today.
- Don't talk to him like that.
- I lie his stuff!  I like reading it on facebook.
- You have a facebook, Today?
- No, I just stop by to check yours, I know how it makes you feel.
- Sometimes I get drunk and start deleting people.
- (Poncho) Social networker.

*guilty conscience followed by no writing, then karma

- So you want to get some food, Today, before I go and do my thing?
- Uh-oh, you're going to go off and do your thing?
- My good thing, not my bad thing.
- Oh, good.
- So you want?
- I already ate at Costco.
- Pretty smart.  A drink and slice of pie is like, what, a buck fifty?
- Oh, that's for suckers.  We went inside.
- To buy in bulk?  You know you just waste the rest of what you get sick of.
- My tastes always change.  I'm very cosmopolitan.   I just took care of their samples.
- Oh I see, you made a meal out of the samples, eh?
- Me and my friend felt like geniuses afterwards.
- Classic freeloader maneuver, nice.  You didn't just stand around waiting for the lady to heat up the next batch did you?  You gotta be subtle about those things, Today.
- No, I stood back an aisle, popped my head out to monitor the tray.  I didn't want it to look like I was stalking her corner.
- Would she ever look at you stalking her corner?
- Oh, I'd move my head back behind the roast beef when she caught me.
- Well, then, you can watch me eat.  I'll get you a shake or something.
- I had a few of those protein shakes in those small paper cups to wash down my treats...but it just made me thirstier.
- Did you at least buy a drink?
- Well, my friend said he had one of their fountain drink cups we could refill.  We drove back to his house to pick it up but we had to get gas on the way back.
- You know, Today, let me tell you a moraled story.  One day, I was early to do some commitment I didn't really feel like doing at the moment, right?
- Uh-huh.
- So I excused myself to have a cigarette.  My head was getting to me.  But you know what I learned on my walk?
- That you're wonderful?
- That I didn't actually need to have a cigarette.
- So you didn't have one?
- Shit yea, I did.  I had to hammer this thing out didn't I?

Today on his spare time.

- (whispering as he dials) Gosh, I love this phone.
- Hello, In N Out Car Wash.
- Is this In N Out?
- Yes it is.  How can I help you?
- I'd like a Double Double, hold the onions please.
- This is In N Out Car Wash.
- I can't get it to go?
- No, this is a car wash.
- Oh...well can I get some fries with my car wash? (click) Hahahaha-ughhaha!

- Hi! Nice sweater!
- Oh, thanks, Today.
- What's wrong?
- Eh, I don't really know.  Can't tell what's a realization or another circular thought.  Thanks for the compliment, though.  Thought if I wore it it might make me feel better.
- Did it?
- Do I sound cheery, Gilbert?
- You're such a tortured artist!
- Shut up, Today.
- OMG!  Is that the sweater plastered all over the news?
- Did you just say OMG?
- You're the one they're looking for on the news!
- What?
- Oh, it was a massacre.  Women were sprawled all over the floor.
- Oh my god.
- All across the county!  The fire department had to hose 'em back to life, I read.
- LOL.
- They had to print the paper every hour today.
- Moment by moment, huh?   You know what, Today? (soft sitcom piano music)
- Huh?
- I didn't want to say anything, because I'm so sad and humble...and golden right now..,
- Yes...?
- But I did notice, ever since I've started wearing my sweaters, it's been raining a lot more.

- Fuck you, Poncho.
- (Poncho) Nah, can't happening, how's about you--
- No, fuck you!
- (Today) Guys!  Guys!
- (Poncho) Fuck me, huh?
- (Today) Look at how many times you're using that word!
- No, don't fuck you--fuck you!
- How you gonna start talkin'--
- (Today) Settle down, guys, please!
- (Poncho) Got Today acting all scared and shit.
- That's cause you need to be settled.
- (Today) What's happening?
- So you like to make things difficult for others, huh?
- (Poncho) F you, goober.  I make life too difficult for others.
- (Today) Why?
- (Poncho) I walk in the bicycle lane.
- (Today) On our bike route?
- (Poncho) On purpose.
- He's the one what's been walking on our bike route that gives us smug looks when we should run him over, Today.
- (Today) Why you gotta act like that, Poncho?
- (Poncho) Cause it feels good!
- Good, or too good?
- (Poncho) It makes my heart feel good!
- Someone's gotta straighten you out.
- (Poncho) You ain't no one.
- I'm that someone.
- (Poncho) You ain't no one.
- (Today) He is someone!
- Thanks, Today...but I think he means I ain't no, one.
- (Poncho) Love being confusing and difficult!
- (Today) What does he mean?
- He means he's a bitch.
- (Poncho) Means you ain't at one, bitch.
- Oh yea?  You love being confusing, huh?
- (Poncho) And difficult.  Feels my heart with joy.
- You need to be straightened out, is what you need coming to you.
- (Poncho) Yea?  You know what?
- (Today) Who?
- Don't let him trick you, Today, What isn't a person.
- (Poncho) I'll tell you what, when I be driving in them lanes,
- Yea, you smoldering piece of resentment--
- (Poncho) I go under the limit to slow everybody else down.
- He's one of them, it's my right dudes.
- (Poncho) Everybody's gotta cut me off, else they won't get no where.
- And that does it for you?
- (Poncho, savoring) Oh, that does it for me.  It does it for me good!
- That does it! Let's settle this right now!
- (Poncho) Yea, you got your baseball cap?
- Today, get me my baseball cap.
- (Today) Check!
- You got yours?
- (Poncho) I'm gonna flip it on you.
- I'm gonna flip it on you first, you sonvabitch.
- (Poncho) Not before I go Over The Top on your ass.
- Your ass!

Some people it's better to treat like dogs,
some dogs it's better you don't tell them things.

- (Poncho) You should write more things, make it into a profound poem.
- Leave me alone, Poncho.
- (Poncho) The sister christian angle was clever.
- Maybe.  Guess then it really doesn't matter.  What they try to make you understand is your control over things.
- (Poncho) Peeps.
- So if it bothers me, my state in others' lives, it's really my problem.  It's what's wrong with me.  My perception of it probably correlates with how I deal with things, goes hand in hand.  Shut up, Poncho.
- (Poncho) Didn't say nothing.
- I said shut up, Poncho.
- (Poncho) Nope.
- Okay.
- (Poncho) ...The analytics, too.
- I'll still take it.  If there's such a population problem, then why the fuck am I so alone?
- (Poncho) Whose fault is that?
- Well, lots of people's.
- (Poncho) Well, that's the population problem: it's too many people's faults.
- Hmm, it sounded better when I thought of it in the car,  There were so many parked cars on the street.  The phrasing sounded way more profound and witty in my head--Okay, let's try it again.
- (Poncho) No.
- C'mon, Poncho.
- (Poncho) No, I gotta go.
- God, I hate that guy!


yeka martes inch es anum hetsanivov?
yeka knikes khi dgaghid mech ches?

i made that up, i keep getting hits in the head

- Your mom let me in, Today.
- Hi buddy.
- What are you doing, studying?
- Working on the letter for my princess.
- Letter?  Oh, Lala's speeding ticket?
- Yea, my Letter of Declaration.
- Trial by Declaration.  Your letter of declaration is gonna go to Hamlet.
- Don't make fun of me, I'm hard at work.
- You're not using a crayon like I told you, are you?
- No, I'm being way serious.
- What's your defense?
- Well, he wrote her as going 53 in a 35.
- Ouch, that's like over 20.
- So I'm going to prove he's really mean.
- What?  You sound like a lawyer I had once.
- Well, she said he was real nasty to her--that was a big mistake!
- Got you fired up, huh?
- And then I read the ticket--
- Class is teaching you something, huh?
- Objection, this is a serious matter.
- (laughing) All right, all right.
- When I read the ticket I saw it was the same officer who arrested me before.
- Back when you were drinking two beers?
- Yea, my dark days.
- What was it, that time you were drunk on the bench?
- The time I was swaying near the bench.  Not the other time.
- You know you're not allowed near that bench, Today.
- I don't go anymore!
- I'm just kidding.
- But when they arrested me, he was yelling at me, too.
- But you were a wreck.
- It wasn't him that arrested me.  The other officer was professional and calm.  It's not right for citizens to suffer just cause he has a bad temper.
- You're starting to sound like an attorney already.
- I thought I'd ask the court for all his citation reports, any complaint forms against the man--
- The man?
- Yea, for my discovery, see if I can't spot some consistencies.
- Today, you can't take this to trial.
- Yes I can, she'll see me wearing a suit.
- You can't act as her attorney.
- Why not?  Just because I'm a day of the week?
- You're not qualified, Today.  Look, I'm not being dayist, I accept all days; it's just that she has to represent herself against the court and officer if she's not going to hire a real attorney.
- Well, it's not fair for my client to be subjected to his tantrums just cause he might not like some of the days he encounters.
- I'm not saying he might not be an asshole, but it sounds like you're turning it into more of a vendetta to justify getting off your darling for breaking the law.
- You think?
- I don't know, actually.  I don't know why I'm giving it this much thought.  You can write out your argument for her, I guess.
- Oh, she can't read English.
- I don't know, I gotta go.  I just came here to borrow some sugar.
- Here you go, here is your sugar.
- Thank you, you have given me the sugar.  That concludes the purpose of this visit.  We shall take more later.
- (Poncho) Fool, why didn't you just say you gotta use his can and then on the next post you can take it from there?
- Shut up, Poncho.
- What's Poncho doing here?
- God, I hate that guy!

tough day mentally

i don't like being up at nights

....your butt

i didn't draw this one either

what's it matter anyway

uh oh

i don't like being up at nights

....your butt

- You got the hammer, Today?
- Uh-huh, watch your nails.
- My fingers?
- Opps, yea.
- What is that?
- It's my hammer.
- That's a baby's hammer.
- It's a baby hammer.  I got it from the 99 cent store.
- That's cause it's as heavy as 99 cents.
- What?
- What's that gonna do?
- It'll do the job.
- You're not a good manual worker, Today.
- You're not a good manual writer.
- Hey, let's not say things what's gonna hurt my feelings.
- Why are you making fun of my tools?
- Look, I'm sorry, Today.  It's just that that's the type of hammer they give to mature babies to work on their playhouses.  It keeps them distracted from the politicking around the baby unions.
- It'll work, trust me.
- Trust you?
- No, trust Hugh.  It'll handle your silly deadline, trust me.
- Eh, it's another line.  You're pretty clever, Today.  Okay, you ready?
- Yea, are you ready?
- Genius!  Another line.
- Hold the nail.
- Ok--wait.
- What?
- Chickenbutt!
- Okay, I'm going to nail it right now.
- Wait, let me say a quick prayer to accept whatever pain may come, Today.
- There!
- Got it!  We hammered this thing out!

- The night's so light and gray it looks like someone lit the sky on fire while we were asleep, Today.
- Yea, it's so gorgeous...like Halloween...or a woman.
- Yea, women look great all season long.
- Can I get one of those?
- You want to have an aesthetic smoke, do ya?
- We're bonding!
- So what do you want to talk about, Today?
- Spinach.
- Let me tell you something, you don't just get muscles by eating spinach alone. That shit's false advertising.
- No, I was eating spinach today with my mom and it didn't taste very good--
- Was it organic?
- And I got to thinking that people who eat salad--
- The rich, yea.
- Are always happy with what they ate.  And that's odd because spinach tastes like crap.  It tastes no where near near steak and eggs or an horchata
- That's cause they're eating with a purpose.
- Do you think they're just used to how bland food tastes?
- I think it's both.  I think when you know what you eat helps you meet a mental goal, you feel stronger afterwards.  Cause after all, splurging is the same as acting on impulse.  You usually regret getting lost in emotionalism once the taste is gone...or you see the results.  You getting insecure about what I said, Today?
- No, not really.  I just know I don't feel right eating that way anymore.
- Yea it takes some time to psych yourself up for the gym.  We're pretty masochistic in that sense--
- I'm not a masochist; I'm an extremist.
- Us extremists aren't pretty friendly with balance.  We have to crash into it to get acquainted.
- I'm like that way with girls.
- Ah, the old fender bender love tap at a red light and you got her digits!     

- I told you those coupons were dangerous, Today.
- I dream of burgers...
- It's a slippery slope the 2 for 1.
- And Patton...
- You dreamt of General Patton?
- No, Patton Oswalt.
- The little guy from Big Fan?
- Yea, I think he found his way in.
- Why were you dreaming of him?
- I was sitting indian style in the middle of his kitchen and he was sitting on the counter.
- What happened?
- I don't know, I had two frozen patties and I was opening up a small white old decrepit stove to cook them for us, but one of the patties looked more like a crooked chunk of meatloaf-like and I was trying to tell him that, but he was getting annoyed at me...it would fall apart in the stove I tried to tell him but he didn't want to hear it.  He was arguing with his mom and his sister, and I think I may have had one more patty stuck on there, parts of it would break off, and I tried to ask him if they wanted the other but there was only three and he didn't want to hear it.
- I had one about a city--an old English man and his daughter and their life and fascination with Liverpool.
- The city?
- Well, it took place in the city, but it was more about their lives.  The story centered around  how everyone adored the football team--you think it's because of Jurgen Klopp?
- I'm not sure.
- Anyway, the team kept losing and the father and daughter were going through hard times and it seemed the daughter was irked by her father or his suffering, and she yelled at him.  She said in her accent, "Don't you tell me about no Liverpooool!"
- Dreams are weird.
- Well, they say dreams are the garbage can of the mind, but I like to believe sometimes there's more. I mean, I was checking sports summaries that day, but I do that with a lot of teams, you know?
- I liked your Jurgen Klopp phase.
- Well, it was more relieving to make funny rants.  A small percentage of a calm that came with the comedy.  I gotta get going, Today.  Easy up on the belly.
- I know.  I've started feeling slight pangs on my right side throughout the day.  I thought it might be cancer starting.  After that, I felt it more.  Now I'm scared.
- If you were in a war, you'd be thinking you just got shot the whole time.

- Today is Thursday, Yesterday was Friday--
- That's not how the lyrics go, Today.
- Well it's hard to sing and play guitar.  You're only playing bass.
- We're only at bass lines so far!  All right, let's start again.
- Hit me the B.
- (bass lines) ba-boom boom /ba-boom boom, ba-boom boom / ba-boom boom
- (Today singing) Today is, Thursday, Tomorrow's, the Friday/ On the weekend, there's two days / Says on the weekend, there's two days /
- No, go again.
- (bass lines) ba-boom boom /ba-boom boom, ba-boom boom / ba-boom boom
- (Today singing) Today is, Thursday, Tomorrow's, the Friday/ On the weekend, there's two days / Says on the weekend, there's two days /Not everyday is like Sunday / The worst day is Monday / Yo mamma's, a Monday--
- Today!  Stop messing around.
- You're killing it with the bass line.  You should be nodding your head and saying ugh! with the each note.
- I'm not nodding my head...well maybe I will when I get comfortable about people looking.  Let's go again.
- (bass lines) ba-boom boom /ba-boom boom, ba-boom boom / ba-boom boom
- (Today singing) Today is, Thursday, Tomorrow's, the Friday/ On the weekend, there's two days / Says on the weekend, there's two days /
- No, go again.
- (bass lines) ba-boom boom /ba-boom boom, ba-boom boom / ba-boom boom
- (Today singing) Today is, Thursday, Tomorrow's, the Friday/ On the weekend, there's two days / Says on the weekend there's two days / Not everyday is like Sunday / The worst day is Monday / There can be, Only one day/ That day is, Today day...?
- Whatever, keep going...
- My name is,  Today day, My name is, Today day...

- I don't know, Today, I think we need some deep reflection.
- Ride our bicycles?
- Yea, feels like one of those days...what's with the bandanna?
- It's my new thing.
- You meet your friends at the park wearing that?
- I've been going to school with it too!

(this is just a save the date in case I can't get to it in time)

Ok, real quick...let's see, all right all right.  Okay, I'm ready--
- You ready?
Will you shut up I just said I'm ready!

(ring-ring)

- Ahoy-hoy!
- Today?
- Could there be any other way?  What do you think of my catchphrase?
- What's that noise?  Are you driving?
- I'm with my friend.  He's driving.  We're listening to Forensic Files.
- (background) "Gay divorcee Louise Van Houten was cheating on her boyfriend Gyro, with his best friend, Yiro..."
- What are you doing, Today?
- We're going to the mall.  My friend's going to help me get a credit card!  What are you doing?
- Trying to figure out why you wouldn't do it on a computer...
- (aside) Or do you think my catchphrase should be, Could there be any other day, Apo?

Easy, breezy, beautiful
cover girl!

nice day

- I love this bike route, Today.
- Yea it's a nice straight path without a hill for comfortable riding.
- You discovered it?
- Uh-huh, it leads into the No Ho arts district and station.
- I had an adventure in this area--wow!  Look at the chicken & waffles joint!
- You've never been?
- I've always wanted to try it.
- Are you afraid of the line?
- Are you kidding?  My ears would perk up.  I don't mean to sound racist.
- So...I talked to Lala.
- Oh yea?  That's why you didn't pick up, huh?
- I was dreaming...
- So you did or didn't talk to her?
- She was saying she got a speeding in class the other day and the officer wouldn't let her slide.
- Must have been racist.
- So my friend yelled out that Today can get it dismissed for you.  He knows I like her.
- That's what good friends do.  What'd you say?
- I said Yes.
- Do you know how to get her off?
- No.
- Then why'd you say Yes?
- I froze...when I knew she was paying attention to me.  She looked so gorgeous speaking softly I just looked into her eyes while she spoke to me.
- Were you dreaming?
- I'm always dreaming these days...
- What happened?
- She was going over the limit and she got a ticket.  My friend told me he knows some ways to fight it and he'll tell me and I can do it for her like her horse on white satin.
- Pretty excited, aren't you?
- I'm more nervous...and anxious.
- What he probably means is there's ways to make your case a hassle for the officer.  I used to pride myself on fighting it for others.  I learned through mine.
- How?
- I can't remember, but like if you can get a court date on his vacation time, or you plead Not Guilty on your trial by declaration.  You can write Not Guilty with a crayon and be excused if he doesn't turn his in by the due date.  Anything you request from him, it's your right to receive.
- But I think she said she is guilty and her fine is going to be expensive.
- Ask for calibration records for the device he used, his own records, complaint reports--shit like that.  He's got to dig those up and show up to court, too.
- So if she was speeding but he doesn't respond the judge will get mad at him and let her go?
- She'll yell at him, but yea.  I have a pile of calibration records.  I don't know what they mean.
- But you said I have to be honest in all my affairs.
- You want to impress her don't you?

- (Today's voicemail) Hi, you have reached Today.  For a business call, please--
- Goddammit. (pressing 1)
- (tone)
- Jesus Christ, Today, pick up.  I know you're doing it so someone hears your stupid message.  Now's not the time.  I'm going to call you back, make sure you pick up.
- (Today's voicemail) Hi, you have reached--
- Argh!  (pressing 1)
- (tone)
- I'm going to kill you, Today.  All right listen, I need you to log into my account and make a post for me.  I forgot about today's deadline I was caught up arguing with that Poncho--I hate that guy!  That should be our new catchphrase for him, I hate that guy!  That I forgot about--God, I should have never sol--errgh teach me lessons, will you life?  I need you to log in and say everything is kool and the gang--that's a reference!  Ah, no time! Idiot! I was running my mouth with the last post again trying to apologize for really running my mouth and I don't know if I'm really one of those people incapable of being honest, ever!  With myself, in here--I don't know!  Well, don't tell 'em all that just let 'em know we're doing something wholesome.  I had to ditch the meeting and go back for the 11;30.  Don't tell 'em we're going to the stupid group again, though--ah, not a looker in the bunch.  Don't say that part either, babe might be reading.  Just say we're doing something respectable, like a congressional caucus meeting, or dinner or something.  Emphasize caucus.  No, that might sound gay.  Just say something cool.    Don't mess with my posts though, no selfies, or I'll really kill you.  Hey, I finally have a decent selfie and I can't post it anywhere!  It's the one with the beanie.  I sent it to my mom in case something happens she should...eh, nevermind.  Oh, and talk about milk.  It'll feed into yesterday's and touch up on a smaller one from in the ground.  I think my subconscious is at it once more, Today.  I might be a genius again, Today!  Surely above-average.  Oh I'll kill the people who think I'm dumb with my brainthoughts.  I gotta go I gotta pray for humility.  Hope you're okay, by the way...don't embarrass me, kill you.  love you bye
- (Today's voicemail) Hi, you have--
- (tone)
- Oh and say, "All life is precious until dinner time."  I heard that come out of one of Eugene's ramblings again earlier.


bsides and rarities, 

- Ready?  I'm starving.  That's all I was thinking about watching those people eat.  Really got out of my head, eh?  Let me tell you something, Today, I remember some of the things I said yesterday.  No fuckin' way I'm going to--
- Camera's on.
- I'd deserve whatever I--Oh, hello.  Welcome to Shirtless Cooking Hour in Pleasant Valley with Today and a sorry person.
- Real sorry.
- Tonight, we're going to make a Decedent French Toast with Apricot Jam and talk about the dangers of decadence and running your mouth.
- Yea, fear of accountability is a great incentive to curb reckless behavior.
- That's right, Today.  Let's get to the eggs.  My partner has beat a few eggs in a bowl.
- I put sour cream in them, too.
- What?
- Just a little.
- That wasn't in the script.  How's about I pull your chest hair.
- I got a few.  Do you need more?
- What, hair or sour cream?
- (Poncho) You suck, McBain!
- (continuing) Shut up, Poncho.
- The sour cream makes the eggs fluffy.  I saw Ralphie make it that way...
- Are you sure it wasn't with milk?
- Before Tony killed him.
- Good, he cooked that horse alive.
- Ralphie was great though.  But now that you mention it, it could of been milk.
- Well, it's too late now. We're going to find out how french toast tastes with sour cream.
- Don't worry, now at least your stomach won't hurt from the milk.
- What do you think sour cream is made of?  It's dairy.
- Oh, right.  Why do they call it french toast?  That's racist.
- Well, I guess since it's not capitalized, it's not racist anymore.
- I guess you're right.
- Great minds think alike.
- And why do people say, Excuse my French?  Why don't they say Excuse my English?
- (Poncho) Playboy right there's got a lot of excuses.  He'll even try to exploit dogs and relationships for leverage.  Fool, do you know the meaning of giving someone a present?
- Ignore him.  He's a one-liner machine.
- Okay, the stove's on.
- Oh, better pour the oil.  Can't leave a pan on with nothin' in it.  It'll pop again.
- Remember that time we were drunk and you forgot to turn the stove off?
- I sure do Today, the house smelled like there was a horse on fire all week.  Okay, get the bread,
- How long should I dip it in for?
- Long enough for them to spot an egotistical manipulative maniac underneath.  Yes, we make jokes in here ladies and gentlemen.
- (Poncho) Nah, can't happening.  He got his cake and ate it too.
- I hope you're watching Lala!
- I'm glad I went today.  Nobody knew me there--
- (Poncho) Cause you're so famous, right?
- (continuing) And the shame subsided trying to spot the freeloaders.  Do you think that's too much oil?
- Maybe it would taste better with butter.
- Oh, we're going to use a lot of butter.  It's a Decedent French Toast.  I'm just kidding about the freeloaders.  It was the only thing I could think of doing afterwards...like I was taught.  Only way to forget the embarrassment.  I'm going to pour some of the oil out.
- (Poncho) You could have just shut your big ol' mouthifer.
- Be careful some of it might stick.
- Trial and error my friend.  We'll salvage what we can.
- With butter!
- What do you mean?
- If the egg and bread stick to the pan, you lift the bread up...
- And you lather it underneath?
- Uh-huh.
- And can you lift your arm pits out of my face please?  Okay, this is good.
- How long should we leave the bread before turning it over?
- I like it a little raw and gooey, myself.
- Yea, I don't like eggs over done.
- Do you think I'm being racist with my characters again, Today?  I don't know if I am, I mean.  I may be in over my head with the language.  I mean, how they gonna give me my noble prize if I'm racist and can't tell?
- Why don't you make it so he's white, and if people think he's being racist then they're being racist?
- Wait, what?  Whatever.  But I mean, it kind of parallels what's happened to my vocabulary and spelling in my own mental cage.
- (Poncho) You boring!
- (continuing) Wait, what if I'm so stupid...that everything that I say that I think is in it...
- (Poncho) That's a good one.
- (continuing) ...is so far from it...that it gets a novelty reaction?  And then I'll get like a prize for narcissism and then! Get this, Today, and then they'll show all my drunken posts!
- (Poncho) I'm getting a gosh darn headache.  Mothafucker's gonna make me break character.
- (continuing) And the ones that I think are good, right?  They'll laugh at those too!
- What about Poncho?
- Who?
- (Poncho) Weak!
- (continuing) Poncho's just Poncho.
- Do you remember when Rocky drinks the raw egg shake before running?
- Oh I'm not going to stop running.
- I wasn't talking about you.
- (laughs) Yea, what about it?
- Nothing.
- Sorry.
- I always wondered how it tastes, is all.
- You mad about yesterday?
- You take me down with you sometimes.
- I know.
- I don't know who I am.
- What do you mean?
- Who am I supposed to be?  I don't know how you want me to act sometimes.
- I'm just making it up as I go, Today.  I know some drafts are rough.
- (Poncho) You mean you're not the greatest thing since condensed milk?
- You were born out of a sentence.  Look at you now going to buffets with your shady friends and mooching off the government.
- I had more of an edge.
- I know, here, Today--ow!  Couple chest hairs for you, buddy.
- (Poncho) You need to mow them shoulders is what you need to do.
- Thanks, I'll leave it on the counter for now.
- I can give you enough to build a shelter.  Hey you know when raw egg tastes really good?
- As good as water in the morning?
- Nothing beats that.  But you beat the egg real good, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Pour in a lot of sugar and mix it, then dip your bread in it.
- Just eat it raw?
- (Poncho) Fool, he said raw eggs, didn't he?  This show sucks.
- Don't talk to him like that, Poncho.
- (Poncho) Your ass.
- Yea, Today, it was my favorite thing to eat when I was a kid.
- (Poncho) You getting younger every year.
- (continuing) It's called gogly.  Okay, when I put the next bread in, you put more butter on the first one while it's hot in the plate, so the butter soaks in.
- How bout I put the jam on it, too?
- I use to google-moogle her...
- That way when you--
- Then I just googled her.
- You listening?
- (Poncho) He's being golden.
- (continuing) When you put the next one on top--
- (dejected) I know, it'll be messy and we can eat it like hotcakes.
- Uh-huh.
- (chuckling) You know they warned us not to get into any theological debates with the patrons?  So, now we got the jam, the Saturday commitment, we're a part of something else on Friday nights; and they do another--Well two days is enough, don't you think?
- Definitely.  I'll take you to the buffet with us so you can meet my crew.
- Tuesday evenings, too, in another city.  So if you consider my stretch with soft eyes, everything here and in my heart is because of you.
- (Poncho) Announcing your shit, phssh, please.  Hand gesture!
- At least I did something clean with my hands, you ingrate.  I know I'm still being selfish.  I probably always will be.
- But you can at least tell on yourself.
- I know I do it for myself, Today...  You know I can still pound that shit?  A full bottle's worth and a pitcher.  I didn't throw up or nothin'
- That's a good one for your resume.
- (Poncho) You forgot a period, bitch!
- Here, Poncho, take a bite.
- Dry scalp is not a myth, I've seen it.
  

And if you wouldn't mind i would like to blew..............fuck it!

a 9 year old drew this and it was up on an art display, the name's up there im not going to write his name in case his parents google his name and come across here, or the kid does.  He shouldn't be here.

- (Today approaching)
    Hey it's yo boy, Lil' Bra Trublezume comin' at cha' like the grillz of a Cadillac.  But we be much serious today, cause this here something close to my heart: Does you, or anyone you know suffer from Bullying?  Or let me give it to you straight: Does one of your boys think it's cool to engage in Bullying?  Ain't nothin' baller about flicking the ear of another playa then watching him jump off a building because of the constant flickering.  That shit hurts!  Let me asks you a 2uestion! Do you like pinpricks?  Do you like it when someone taps your shoulder, soft and slow, constant, continuously, second after second, minute after minute, hour by hour, day after day, week after week and months at a time?  That shit will drive you mad!  Turn a sweet soul into cold.  Let me hear you say pinprick!  (aside) Oh, this ain't live? Anyway, kidz, it ain't so cool when you get a shout-out in a suicide note, cause then someone else is going to bully you, your heart!  And that's yo boy, Lil' Bra Trublezume.
- God that's an old PSA.
- It's a cassette tape of a bug.
- I can't believe you brought your boombox.
- Yea, I'm going to carry it over my shoulder.  I saw someone do it in a movie.
- We're not going to Venice Beach.
- Where we going?
- There's a bike trail by the river.
- The world famous LA River?
- And how are you going to carry that while we're riding our bikes?
- I'll steer with one hand.
- You can barely walk with two legs.  Here, we'll put it in my basket, I guess.  I'll ride soft.
- We have a cool bikes.
- Yea, mine's my sister's and yours--hey you wearing that yellow Minions beanie on purpose?
- Uh-huh, it matches my bike.  We look great together.
- I think so, too, Today.
- So where does the trail go?
- I don't know, it goes a long way.  It might even go down to Long Beach.
- That's way far!
- We're not going to do it all; we'll take breaks, too.  You see some cool stuff along the way, the wildlife--and some people have made homes in the river.
- Wow, river people?
- Yea, there's little...well, I guess, communities in between the plants and trees.  One of the tents I saw even has a guard dog.  Imagine sleeping there at night with no lights?
- What if a horse falls into the river?
- As dumb as that sounds, I've wondered that before myself, pretty recently.  I reported it, and that the support underneath the bridge was tenuous because the shaking shocked my senses.
- Are we going to come back here when you start up brownpaperbag again?
- I don't know if they want to be bothered.  But if you want, we can ask one day, or if we come across someone on the trail.  Some are usually up and around trimming the fences and sweeping...
- They're gardening.
- Maybe collecting things they need.  Yea, Today, they're gardening.  Let's get going.
- Okay.
- (riding) Hey, Today.
- Yea?
- Let me ask you something.
- What is it?
- Do you think I'm racist?
- If you think you're racist, most of the commercials during the OJ movie are liquor commercials.
- What kind?
- Whiskey, brandy.
- Lawyers and judges look beautiful in their offices with their classy glass set up though.  You make me feel so good about myself with your assertions, Today!

- So how was class?

- (laughing) I ditched with my friend.

- Then you snuck into the movies? What--Fuckin' Poncho!

- What happened?

- He pocketed my coupons.

- For Burger King? I got a couple, they might be expired though.

- No, we stopped by a 7-11 after a comedy show.  Kept it real classy.  I thought was being so charming cause I convinced the cashier to let me hold on to some coupons I was using.
- Did you look around to see if other girls noticed?
- Absolutely.  But I guess I was full of myself when he stole it from me.

- The coupons?

- No, my last relationship.  You don't need to read into everything.  I'm just trying to hammer one out.

- I'm having girlfriend problems, too.

- You making any progress with Lala?

- Not more than telling her a story with my eyes.

- Just be yourself, Today.

- Really?

- Fuck no. 

- I don't know what's going on between us.  She's been cheery ever since she came back to class.

- Where's Hamlet in all this?

- Well, my friend heard he's back in the slammer.  He rear ended a police cruiser at a red light while he was drunk.

- Maybe that's why she's been cheery.  She feels free when he's not around.

- I don't think so.  She's not like that.

- How the hell do you know what she thinks?

- Because I pay attention to her in class.  She doesn't seem like she knows how to feel free.

- That's a bold observation.

- Well, bold men do bold things.

- Or just say bold things and call themselves bold.  Now Hamlet was pretty bold.
- I think she's adjusted her personality to fit into him all these years.  There's no room for me.
- I don't know what to say.  She's married--perhaps unhappy--but I don't really know if that is any of your business, Today.
- I know, I don't tell anyone but you, the sweet zephyrs of my heart.  They whisper--
- Plus, this looks like it's long enough, Today.
- (head hangs) Oh, ok.
- Sorry.  Let's try Jack in the Box.  The drive through guy's gay.  Maybe I can finesse him into giving us a cheesecake.

- Guess they don't like you, Poncho.
- Uh-uh, can't happening.
- You're too abrasive.
- Abrasive, huh?
- You gotta tone it down a bit.
- And say what, drinky drink?
- Hey fuck you, man.
- Yea, that's what I thought.  Last comedy show I go with your ass.
- What?  What'd I do wrong?
- It ain't about you.  When you leave there's a line of people standing outside, they are called performers, that you thank.
- I thought they'd all gather together and understand that I was shy.
- You're shit's all fucked up man.

- What do you want, Poncho?
- A burger, man.  Get me a burger.
- You got any money--
- A Whopper, man.  Get me a Whopper.
- You got the money?
- What kind of question is that?  You suck, man I'm being abrasive of course I ain't got the flow.  It's a character trait.
- What is?
- That you suck, man.  Get me the Whopper, man.  Get that for me.
- (aside) Yea, one Whopper Jr.
- Junior?
- (aside) No, no cheese.
- No cheese?
-(aside) My man farts a lot.
- Nah, can't happening.  Get the cheese, man.  Get that for me.
- Well, I'm the one paying for it.
- As it should be, my friend--like, eat it you fat cow.
- I thought you were going to eat it?
- What!  You fucking up, man.  You fucking up character development.
- (phone rings)
- (Poncho continuing) Who's that!
- I sure hope it's not another new abrasive character...
- Shut up, man.
- (on the cord) Hello?
- (Today) What's up, soda pop?
- Today!
- (Today) Do you know any prime real estate?
- I love you Today!  I'm hanging with a real...low-brow.
- (Poncho) Man, where my bun at?  Can't happening I wait this long.
- (on the cord) I want to be with you.
- (Poncho) You been watching too man Richard Gere movies.  Who's that?
- It's Today.
- Man, I'll iron that fool.

- Are those your pills?
- No, they're M&Ms.
- Oh.
- Do you have to take pills, too?
- Just M&Ms.
- Oh.
- My problem's with deliciousness.
- They don't even taste very good.  Guess my problem's with gratitude :)
- Do you want me to say more lines so afterwards your blog can take the place of everything missing in your life?
- I guess a couple more.
- Okay, I figured out she's married...
- Sloth, that's a problem too.
- By the pageviews here, a couple weeks ago...one was pretty clear.
- Gluttony, that's another one...
- It has all become clear to me; there are very little reasons how one can resist...this!
- You don't sound like yourself, Today.
- Who's fault is that, Hemingway?
- Hey, you're not Today!
- No, I'm Pancho.
- Who the hell are you, Pancho?
- I'm what comes out when you suck! (audience cheering)


draw, I guess

- We don't have much time.
- You mean you don't have much--
- Shut up.
- Oh, it's 11;48! It's 11.48!
- I know.
- We don't have much time!
- I know, Today.
- What are we going to do!
- Well, first get your hand out of my face so I can see the screen...
- Okay.
- Come on, buddy...
- What?
- Talk!
- About what?  I've been asleep all day.
- Oh, cause you had some wacky adventures into the morn?
- No, I was asleep at night, too.  I had some tea in the evening though.
- Jesus Christ.  Well, what will get you talking?  The checks!  Tell me about the checks--oh God bless the checks!
- I'm mulling over some business ideas.
- That'll work.  With your friends, right?  Oh God bless your friends.  What are your crazy ventures going to be?
- Well one of my classmates is a great cook--
- So you want to make a shirtless YouTube cooking show, like Middle of the Night Cooking Hour in Pleasant Valley?  Great.  It's a groggy show!
- No, I was just thinking about him.  He said he would have loved to pursue culinary arts, but everybody says he should be a lawyer...or a doctor.  That's where the money's at.
- Would he make a good attorney or would he just google everything as he goes?
- Well, if you're a lawyer who knows a doctor it shouldn't be a problem.
- Whatever, what are your plans?
- I'm not telling.  They laughed at me.
- Who?
- You'll laugh at me, too.
- Probably.
- Okay, Adult Frozen Yogurt.
- Packaged goods?
- Maybe later, but a Frozen Yogurt chain for adults.
- Well, that sounds mature and reasonable.
- You come in on a hot summer day after dropping off your kids for soccer practice...
- And?
- And each customer gets a female companion--an employee, of course--who sits down with you and you watch her eat her frozen yogurt.
- I see lots of problems--
- I know, what about the women, right?  Well, they can get a handsome man.  And of course, we can accommodate any particular gender preference you may have for your social agenda.
- No, not that.
- Oh, the other issue... Unfortunately, the nature and competitive spirit of the industry dictate a high turnover rate.
- You mean the girls get fired when they start gaining weight?
- Yes.
- (sighs) Quality's gone down across the board. (soft sitcom piano music playing)  I can't get back into my groove, Today.
- It's okay, you're the best.
- Thanks for the encouragement, Today.  You're wonderful. There's a recession on crushed like though.
- You can try out for one of the male employees when I open up shop.
- Okay, I'll gym it out to make sure I don't disappoint you.

- You missed a spot.
- I ain't missing it; it's missing me.
- That's the attitude.
- I just have to rejuice my brush.
- You know, Today, when I see a missing spot, you know what I want to do?
- Take care of it?
- I want to paint it black.
- Back to black.
- Oh!  Two classics, and Today with the alley-oop.
- We make a great team.  Let me know when you're not tired anymore.
- You have a strong work ethic, Today.  So what were you doing while I was away?  You putting your gym membership to use?
- Yea, I have.  I've been using the dumbbells for my biceps.
- What's your routine?
- Just dumbbells.
- You just go in and do your biceps?
- I do a lot of them though.
- At least you're consistent.  Shit, at least you're going.  Look at this.  The doctor said it's a burrito.
- You want to go together?  It's lonely without you.
- You don't see Christina's butt?
- I don't want to go to the pool without you.  Seeing the blue line makes me sad.
- I know; I should start too.  That's why I'm eating like a madman again.  My brain's caught on, the bastard.  It's like a kid who knows a dentist appointment's coming up.
- I've been going to the park with my friend.
- You guys ride bikes together?  I'm getting jealous.
- Well the first time he invited me, I met them there and I rode my bike.
- What do you mean, invited?
- To meet his other friends.  We talk business.  He said he would pick me up and take me there from now on.  Each of his friends come with their cars.
- You guys barbeque or something?  Brown bag it?
- No, we stand by our cars.
- I miss my Sundays.  Get that edge right there (stumbles)
- What happened?
- Tripped over a cord.

- Come in.
- (audience cheering) What's up, soda pop?  You working on your downnod?
- Hey Today.
- Jeez, what'd you do to this place...?
- Yea yea...
- You off and went and killed it.
- You picking up new lingo from class again?
- Look at all the missing dates...
- Today!
- Okay, okay.
- You bring the paint?
- Uh-huh, pink and black attack right here.
- (laughs) Reminds of me Bret Hart.   
- I liked it pink, though.
- We can't have it both ways--it's a tough thing to learn.
- Well I bought the pink one, too...just in case.
- (laughs) Why, for next year?  What is that?  Is that a--
- It's a boombox!
- You bought a boombox? 
- (radio station playing) It's an antique.
- Checks come in, I take it?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, it is a classic.
- During break, me and my friend go to our spot and turn it on to watch the girls walk by.
- (station playing)
          "Called you up in the middle of the night..."
- (Today, continuing) You like?
- I like this song.  Come on, let's start with the background.
- Back to black.
- Yep, back to our roots.
- It's a pretty big wall.
- You should see the one I did before you came.  Okay, I'll do the text and link colors; I got the code written down somewhere.  You mind turning that down a little?
- Wait, it's that Arabian guy who sells Armani suits for real cheap!
- How do you know he's Arabian?
- (station playing)
           "You like wool?  I have it!" 
- He's definitely some kind of Middle Eastern.  Hey, Today...
- (Today, singing) Runaway train never...
- Today!
- Yea, what is it?
- You gotta help with this wall.
- But it's so long.
- (laughs) It's like a scroll, isn't it?  It's okay, I can handle it.  It should keep me busy.
- What do you want me to do?
- Figure out how I can carry my blog around with me again.
- What? 
- Nothing.  Just be my friend, playa.
- Oh, I got you.
- And don't talk like your friend.
- Do you remember the music video for that song?  It was all pictures of missing children.  Like from milk cartons.  That was really thoughtful.  I like this band.
- I think it may have been ones who were never found. 
- Oh.
- Maybe dead children.  That aspect really scared me when we moved here.  Here, open up the black paint...
- Well now the song is depressing.
- Sorry to dampen your mood.  I may not be accurate though.
- Here.
- Got it?
- Yea.
- Okay, hold the ladder while I climb up. 
- Okay--hey, listen to this guy! I'm going to turn it up.
- (falling) Today!
- (station playing)
         Chuck here from Chuck Here Loaning You Money.  Listen, do you need money?  I can help you.  It's no problem.  I got it.  I'll loan it out to you.  I don't care what it's for.  You come to me, and I'll give it to you.  It's that simple, and you do what you gotta do.  All you need to do is, return it to me at a date and time I set, with my end on top.  It's that simple.  My end always has to be on top. But you pay that back!  You pay it...or I'll break off your bones.  You gotta pay... Look, I want to help you.  You don't play with me, and I don't play with you.  You need money to make a problem go away?  You come to me.  But don't get smart about it, or I'll hurt your feelings.  Yea, I've been in the can.  What of it?  Where do you think I got this attitude?  I get things done, and I can make your problem go away.  But don't you duck me—Hey, you don't duck me.  I'll break off your bill and hand it to you.  Next time I'll hand it to your mother—What do you mean it doesn't make sense?  Of course it makes sense.  You, I'll deal with you later.  Listen, you call me.  But don't make me have to come looking for you, or it won't be good for you.  You can't duck nobody in the can.  I have a lot of memories in my dreams.  I'm getting old.  Listen, you call me.  That's 866-213, 5...467.  Extension 221.  That's 866-213—What do you mean?  I'm not done with my script, you cocks—

sleeping a lot.  a parking lot of sleep.  we're practically giving away sleep here.  Come on down, ask for guy.  everyone here is a guy.  get it?  yea I still got it.  what's that?  but it's at water prices.  you don't want it either eh?   i don't know how much longer i can keep this up.  i do my best, i just dim the lights and wait.  and sometimes i think i'm dreaming, but i know i'm not asleep. 

do something?  why don't you do something.  good keep doing it.  okay get out.  everybody has to get out now.  everybody has to leave.

Going to start my life again, Today.

Shower strike alert!

I will not stand for this!  Do you know how many edits I went through?  Do they want me to tell my mom?  Do they know who I am!

- Probably not.

- Will you shut up, Today!

- I like your essay, Today, but there's just one problem.

- The spelling?

- Well, and those yea—there's a lot of those. 

- Yea, but I wrote it in cursive so the teacher can't tell.

- You know that you misspelled the word but you wrote it in cursive so that you can misspell it instead of looking up your errors?  That means you know already that you're misspelling your words and not looking them up.

- So what, playa?  It's English, the teacher will correct me.

- Don't you want to get a good grade?

- How am I going to learn if teacher doesn't correct me?

- But you already know you're spelling it wrong.

- Sometimes...that's why I write in cursive—

- Shut up!  I'm so worn out.  Okay, you read all your errors when you get your paper back, at least?

- You mean read them?

- Yes.

- Usually there's no marks cause the teacher can't read my handwriting.

- So how does he know you're not just drunk and ranting about your neighbor getting a new car?

- We can usually pick our own topics.  Sometimes ranting makes you write better... He's usually drunk.

- Whatever.  You pick this topic?  

- Yea.

- It's a good one.

- I'm a good one.

- Okay, so you write it's important to act based on goodness.

- Oh, no one's going to argue with that.  There's a solid A coming my way.

- Okay, but at the same time I see you make fun of three different people in here.  These your classmates?

- Just the ones I don't like.  So? Teachers's not going to tell them.

- It just sounds hypocritical to me.  And what's this?  "Hamlet Sucks."  Why is this in the middle of your essay? You trying to be experimental?

- It's a clause.

- What's a clause?  Like Santa Claus?  Or the clause on Messi's contract?

- I don't know, I just wrote it because I found out why Lala's not been coming to class.

- Why?

- Hamlet got arrested for beating her.  

- That bitch.  

- I hope it wasn't because of me.

- I hope she got some shots in.  How do you know?

- My friend told me.  He knows people.

- People?

- From their apartment.

- You really like to hype your friend up.

(ring-ring)

- Hello, you have reached Today—

- Today?

- Did it sound like a message?!

- No, I knew it was you.  

- Oh.

- Talk to me, I'm all lettered out.

- I wanted to sound professional—did I sound professional because when I record myself saying official things, I think I still sound like a kid.

- Everybody sounds different in real life than the voice in their head.

- I want to start sounding professional.

- The voice on a phone or recording is different, too.  It almost cost me our first date.

- Why?

- Cause I sounded like you.

- How?

- Like a kid.

- Hey!

- How often do you record yourself?

- Oh, I don't know.  More lately because me and my friend are starting to make plans.

- What do you mean?  Business plans?

- Yea, the checks are on their way.  He's been calling.

- You?

- No, the office to complain.  Then he calls me to keep me updated.  We've been going over some ideas.

- Tell me later, all I'm seeing is into letters today.  Did you know almost every letter in the English alphabet has a v in it?

- What do you mean?

- 7-11.  

- That's not a letter, those are numbers.

- There's a v in the 7.  And in the word, "HEALTHCARE"

- What about it?

- Lots of vs there.

- What?

- And really, Today, if you think about it, I mean really think about it, the R is a P on a stroller.

- Are you okay?

- I hope so.  I'm tired.  But you don't think that's funny?  I hope you're laughing.

- Umm—

- I don't care if you don't like my jokes just be laughing.

- If it'll make you feel better.

- Make your move.

- I did.

- That was my move—Why are you smiling like that?  Make your move!

- Is it flustering you?

- No.

- Beguiling you?

- No.

- Come on, guy.

- Make your move!

- Okay, this is my move.

- I know what you're doing.

- I'm intimidating you.

- You've been smiling the whole game because you want me to think you're some precocious chess genius—

- Ummhmm.

- But I'm taking all your pieces—it doesn't work that way, Today.  When's your grand plan gonna come to fruition? 

- You ate my horse!

- I'm killing you, Today.  This is such a great day!

- Not that way.

- How?

- Put each bag with a water to hold it down.

- But I want to make a nice little square inside the box with all the bags first, so we can just drop everything in boom boom boom.

- It's too windy for that.

- But boom boom boom!

- (laughs) It's good thinking though.  We're still going to do that.  We're going to boom boom boom, you better believe it.  But first it's going to take some time because of the water...

- So what do I do?

- These bags are pesky—Just open each up individually, but put a water in each before you put it down in the box, then set up your square, like 4 or 5—

- 5!  Definitely 5!

- Yea, 5 rows—

- 5 rows of 5!

- Yea, then we can easily start dropping the food in.  First, each gets the crackers, boom.  Then peanuts, boom.

- The breakfast bars—

- Boom.

- Fruit—

- Et cetera.  This doesn't need to be too long.

- One more though.

- Chili mango!

- Hey, I found the dog.

- Oh yea?!  Tell me...

- Well—

- But don't stretch it out.

- When I was riding my bike...comma

- Today!

- I decided to ride around that intersection—

- Hey, hand me that bag.

- And I saw a man in the alley walking a little dog.  I just thought I'd ask him, so I said if I could show him the picture from my phone, and as he was looking at it I looked at his dog and realized it was the same dog!

- Oh yea, was it his?  How do you rip this fuckin' thing.  Here, I'll use my keys.

- He seemed reluctant to admit that was the same dog.  He was using clever language to admit that he agreed that there was a dog in the picture.  He sounded like a politician.  I don't know if he follows the Four Agree—

- Today!

- Well, anyway,  I just told him someone had lost the dog a second time, and it looks like someone's taking care of him.  But he said he had three already and was going to try to find it a home.  The puppy seemed happy.

- That's good.  Did you tell him anything about you could keep it?  Or did you want to?  

- Well, I gave him my number just in case.  He wouldn't give me his, but I don't mind.

- As long as the pup has a home.

- Yea, there really was a raccoon in that alley the night before.  

- You're such a hero, Today!  

- I don't get why he seemed suspicious of me though.

- Maybe he's going to try to sell it...  

- Sell the dog? 

- Here, we can stuff a few bags in between.

- You really think he wants to sell it?  

- Who knows.

- That's a cynical way to think.

- I guess.  Whatever's left we can just put on top.

- Why do you think he's going to sell it?  To a poacher?  A puppy poacher!

- (laughs) No, not a poacher, Today—Well if he wanted to find it a home and...eh, whatever. 

- What?  

- I don't know, I just hope he's impeccable with his word. 

- I hope he has a good heart.

- Gotta apologize to the big guy next time.  We're not going to get to his area today.